Compiled by @Megapope
Welcome to the Election Special of TOTM! As we all know, September was almost entirely taken up by the heated foreplay, explosive climax and regretful wiping up of the New Zealand 2014 General Election. In keeping with the tradition of pissing off as many TOTM readers as humanly possible, I’ve gleefully ignored almost every nomination sent to me over the last 30+ days and have instead compiled a list of the most worthy election themed jokes, posturings, rants, frenzied expletives and mournful utterings. Because if you’re not already hugely sick of reading about the 2014 election, you will be after this.
The highlights of the NZ election include…
The Aro Valley Debate!
@ColeyTangerina: Billie just had to be comforted by Grant for laughing too hard about “squirting”
TBarugh I could go to #AroDebate or I could listen to t-pain
@Simonpnz Is it possible to be bigoted against old white guys? Asking for a friend.
@HatePash1 Got my voting papers which is great because I now know that name of the ALCP guy I accidentally hit on
@ChickyMcNuggs Mum’s evil eyeing the national sympathisers in the corner
Eminem sues the National Party!
@JesseMulligan Eminem also suing John Key for being a multimillionaire who grew up in poverty and is tormented by someone called Kim
@_jjw_ I illegally downloaded Eminem and called people losers when I was 16 too.
@danylmc I assume the police will conduct an armed raid on National’s HQ in Pipitea Street
Election day censorship!
@BarristerNZ Hello #
@revhirini Twitter right now looks like the tv version of rehab. Everyone shuffling around, angrily smoking cigarettes and really wanting another hit.
@eMPOWERedNZ I saw a fire engine on the way to the Warehouse. #ThingsYouCanTweetOnElectionDay
@freezingkiwi I am the all-powerful New Zealander Overseas! I can tweet whatever I want muwahaha
@jamescardno Is it illegal to listen to Eminem today?
@RuminatorNZ So who should I vote for? #honeytrap
@thomasbeagle A friend in his 40s has still never voted. Going to have to break it to him that he can’t save them up and use them all at once.
@AliIkram Twitter, when they stopped us talking about the election, I discovered we have nothing in common.
Livetweeting the election night results!
@MrDuttonPeabody LET THE SNARK BEGIN
@tripthestation The amount of fucks I give about Epsom are minimal
@Kimcooksforyou How is it only 9.18pm? I swear this has been going for forty years already.
@kalena No no no no NO! I don’t think I can watch @TV3nz coverage if Paul effing Henry is on the panel. Shit.
@RevTamihere Woohoo! Looks like Labour’s going to smash the 5% party vote threshold! High five everybody!
@_jjw_ “Time for a cry wank” — most leftwingers right now
@utherlives Lots of nappy ads on the livestream. Appropriate as we watch the country shit itself.
@KendallForbes Have we had distracting background graphics or tinder-like touch screen interface yet? #decision14 #derision14
@theJDuce PSA: dip your hash browns in onion dip! #partyinyourmouth #TWvote #decision14
@mizjwilliams OH: “I want to get in the right place so I can just hug John Key”. From a male Young Nat
@Hilary_Barry I was keen for more party games but most of the Conservatives are leaving the party. Stink. Maybe if I suggest spin the bottle?
@harrison_ You can tell who voted for who by how passive aggressive their tweets are right now.
That Labour caucus media stakeout!
@mizjwilliams Trevor Mallard emerges. “What’s going on Trevor?” “I’m going to the dunny”.
@robhosking BREAKING: Cunliffe tells caucus Jim Morrison & Weird Naked Indian appeared in dream & say Labour can rediscover purpose by staging concert
@LewSOS Let me get this right. After gurgling around in the guts of the Beehive for seven hours, the Labour caucus exited via the back passage?
@tripthestation I reckon they’re doing trust falls in the Labour caucus room by now.
@MrDuttonPeabody *spins spinner* Trevor Mallard: “Left foot Green!” David Cunliffe: “Look, I said I made a mistake not doing that already”
@WendyWings So is there a white smoke thing going to happen when #LabourCaucus ends or is that just for a new pope?
@LachlanForsyth EXCLUSIVE. Door left ajar for Labour caucus meeting.
And finally let’s wrap this show up with some misc thoughts from our political pundits.
@AceMcWicked I will be exposing the emails of fashionable foodees using the twitter handle @Kaledump
@Dovil Who else read ‘twewwible’ and thought that Slater/Collins was involved in some kind of adult baby sex trist cause you do now, you’re welcome
@prinnbanktce “photographic evidence of a cabinet minister riding a giraffe like a horse while blind drunk” things that would not surprise me any more.
@writehandedgirl ‘It’s time for change!’ yells the old white man to the room full of old white men. They all cheer. They are pleased.
@stephanierodgrs Of course the KDC email contains the phrase “game changer”. OF COURSE IT DOES. @patrickgowernz must be sobbing with laughter.
@RupertTheBeer Remember the good old days when the Prime Minister did harmless things like get drunk and call snap elections?
@LachlanForsyth So, at the end of the day, we did reach peak cray after all. Now, what was it?
— Morgan (@Morgan_Jones) September 23, 2014
Really there are many winners from this election. John Key, obviously, but he’s probably got enough accolades already as part of that whole prime minister gig. Onion dip was a definite winner on the night itself, but ultimately I have to give the prize to @tripthestation for an excellent combination of snark, anger, wit and making me laugh like a hyena more than once during September. Well done!
Congrats, Trip, you’ve scored yourself some vouchers from vouchers from Z Energy! Also Popeface, you get some too, so you can drink slushies to your heart’s content. Please send me your mailing addresses so you can be full of petrol and pie!