Best Kiwi Tweets of December 2014

Compiled by The Ruminator

Welcome to the final TOTM for 2014!

All about technology
@Pammygirl Write tweet. Tweet is 8 characters too long. Stare at tweet trying to decide how to shorten it. Decide it can’t be done. Delete tweet. Sigh.
@kiwieric Just used Paint to make a drawing for a Powerpoint slide. I have finally mastered 1995!
@nightwyrm let’s commit now to sending each other nudes of ourselves when we turn 56
@amuletofyendor I’ve got a Google Alert set up for “sexy power ranger gif”

It’s that time of year…
@Mikekooge Just saw a lady in a full wetsuit doing her grocery shopping. It’s summer, but it’s not that summer
@Rachelrayner Queuing to get gifts wrapped in Albany Mall. Please keep me in your thoughts during this difficult time.
@hilary_barry Last day of work. I’m already tempted to put on the out of office reply even though it’s only 9am.
@hatepash1 Having to look after your ham while at the pub is a uniquely festive problem.
@patrickgowernz Haven’t bothered to do any research, but I reckon mainstream media did a good job covering this election. Thoughts?

Stay classy, New Zealand
@Pammygirl I just ate a handee towel that stuck to my cheese on toast. Yip. I did.
@redbacon Son is looking up mum’s dress and crying. Dude, if we all had that attitude, you wouldn’t have been conceived.
@mattymcleanTVNZ Just realised i’d confused Ice Cube for Ice T. lucky i realised now, cos i’m interviewing Ice CUBE tonight and was gonna ask him about Coco.
@ellenhunt Some fear death, I fear running out of petrol in the Wendy’s drive thru
@saigonsyl What is the cure to PMS and having too many books to read? Is it benzo and fanfic? Is it putting my face in my cat’s belly?
@loumagoo HOW TO MAKE YOUR BOSS BLUSH: Have him walk in on you when you’re reading a “10 Things You Didn’t Know About Vaginas” info-graphic.
@coleytangerina The first time I gave a hand job I knew that it would make a mess but I didn’t know how much & I lived at home so I put newspaper down.
@simantics I should get married. I’ll never have to tie my own shoe laces like a chump ever again!
@spat106 At least now you’re alone in the office you can do farts and, if you want to, sharts.
@nightwyrm videos of prehensile tapir penises are my go-to.
@StephanieMarija I have been told I give very good sarcasm. It’s all in the tongue.
@Chris_Brain Fuck, Kiwis are awesome at being bad at smuggling drugs!
@kimcooksforyou I know I’m getting old because now I think “Mmm, I smell lavender” instead of “Hmm, I smell something old”
@mellopuffy You haven’t lived until you’ve been serenaded with the Imperial March on the kazoo. While in the shower.
@nzneep what is a urinal cake? Are they common? How is there this thing I have never heard of?

God tweets
@thelightisred unused titles for things i will never write: GOD BOTHERER: THE TRUE STORY OF GOD’S ANNOYING NEIGHBOUR GAIL
@zippygonzales I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in @MorganGodfery
@Chris_Brain When Ruby sneezes I say “Dog bless you”. I’m fucken adorable. #Pupdate

@Dryobbo Real estate agents are the most unselfconscious-about-being-a-total-cock people on earth
@HamishMack Will there be sausage rolls? I bet not. They’ll say “Oh we have sausage rolls” but there won’t be any.
@stasiturnbull 10 minute monologue as MIL tries to recall the street number of house she went to a party at in the 60s. Kill me.

Today was a good day
@theJduce We were singing along to Total Eclipse of the Heart and then an escaped dog ran across the road and I saved it. Best. Day. Ever.
@moatatamaira Eating truffles and teaching myself to play “What’s love got to do with it” on a xylophone shaped like a duck. #averageday
@bingsmcgee Hi everyone. I’ve had a coffee.
@_snozzberry_ I’m in a bar in Las Vegas airport and there is a french man next to me yelling “Who the fuck are you” continuously at someone on Skype

Teacup humans
@formerlydaniels Unexpected side effect of 6 yr old watching #AnnieMovie she is cleaning everything whilst singing “hard knock life”
@_surleymermaid_ Reasons I should never be responsible for children #6710: dinner at 4.30pm consisted of salami, a pack of jelly babies and 2 warm pepsi max

Food tweets
@Ghetsuhm Man, so cold and hungry. Wish there was left-over lasagne, but that’s not a thing.

zenergylogo And the winner is… Patrick Gower! With some wonderful trolling that has made people stop, think, and get outraged, he’s owned December tweets.

Congrats Paddy, I have a Z Energy voucher with your name on it!

Best Kiwi Tweets of November 2014

Compiled by The Little Pakeha

Guy Fawkes, #nzsecretsanta, #gigatown, the Labour leadership. November’s been a busy month, so let’s get right into it.

Keeping it classy
@writing_kills: This morning I woke up with “ID — under house”, scrawled on my hand in liquid eyeliner.
@gnat: Just passed our favorite address: Number Two, Uretiti Rd, Waipu.
@raquelxmoss: Put my undies on inside out, but taking off my very tight jeans to rectify the situation is too much effort
@bumwees: Along with “self checkout”, “selfie stick” is another neologism which would make a great mastie euphemism.
@HatePash1: I’m actually in a really good mood today because I found part of this amazing cookie that @thelemonofpink made in my bra this morning.

The criminal element
@kathycumming: Hand-washing sheets makes you feel a bit like a murderer
@danylmc: As someone who frequently day-dreams about being an international fugitive from justice, the Phillip Smith debacle has been very educational
@RobCarrNZ: How to escape from prison – ask them to let you out then fly to Chile on your own passport.
@idontcaretbqh: hypothetical question for a hypothetical person. if weed is not in an airtight container can it go off? asking for a hypothetical friend

Little v Key
@spat106: Pre-Labour leader Andrew Little = Bruce Banner. Labour leader Andrew Little = Hulk.
@hamish_keith: Andrew Little claims he has not been briefed by SIS on the Whaleoil killing attempt but thought Judith Collins had thrown him under a bus
@danylmc: ANDREW LITTLE to the PRIME MINISTER: How quickly can he segue from the SIS inquiry to mocking my support in the Labour caucus?
@Nil_Joel: Can we just take a moment to appreciate how much better Andrew Little’s Gangnam Style is than John Key’s? #PrimeMinisterial
@Dovil: There’s been 3,000 Little puns in just the last ten minutes alone. Normally I’d be against the idea of an assassination.
@davejac: At least this is an election Labour can’t lose. Right?

Race relations
@_jjw_: If the police ask why I’m in John Key’s house, broken glass, Moonbeam near death in the corner, I’ll tell them I settled here peacefully.
@amuletofyendor: NZ was settled peacefully. No redoubt about it.
@TauroaKaio: Seems @NZStuff & @nzherald have 0800 KUARE on speed dial #PaulMoon
@verbscape: when you misread pouaka as pouakai and then get disappointed when you realise your mistake. 🙁

@AlexMcKay_: #nzsecretsanta gift sorted I hope she hates it as much as she hates everything else
@southerncrumble: Holy Crap my #nzsecretsanta tweeted for the first time in 3 weeks. I have found out they like birthdays!
@vanhudge: Last year for #nzsecretsanta I got chocolates that went mouldy in the mail, so the bar is set pretty low
@robyngallagher: Another secret santa tip: last year I got a pencil shaped like a twig, so I don’t need another one of those.

Life’s big questions
@GeekChicPolitiq: Did you know pygmy hippos *aren’t* an internet hoax?
@elladeruiter: Aurelia’s paws smell exactly like rice. Like exactly. Now I can’t eat rice without thinking of cat paws. Why do they smell like this?
@LI_politico: If you flash someone and they trip over and fall and die are you culpable?

It’s hip to be square
@JakePollock: Don’t give money to that busker playing Bob Marley songs on a ukulele. He’ll just spend it on craft beer and sushi.
@DawgBelly: Had to leave the local cafe due to excessive ukulele playing. There’s only so much Wellington I can take some days.
@HatePash1: There’s a lady who busks loudly at the railway station and she’s terrible but I keep giving her $ as I love how much she annoys everyone.

@DrYobbo: GISBORNE IS A TERRIBLE PLACE FULL OF CARNIES WITH NO TEETH. This tweet is nowt to do with #gigatowndun, I just don’t like Gisborne
@Dovil: At 12pm we find out who wins the title of the most annoying residents of New Zealand’s least favourite town.
@davejac: I can’t wait to find out who wins that giga contest so we can go and burn that place to the ground.

Weird & wonderful
@juliefairey: Join me in the fight to overcome the debilitating effects of Cat On Lap. It is only by standing up that we can make a difference.
@catatonichic: Door knocker: “My name is Peter-” Mr4: “Parker? Like Spider-Man?” Door knocker: “No-” Mr4: “Then goodbye.” *slams door*
@MoataTamaira: Apparently baby has just whacked his father in the face with a small porcelain waterbird. If only I’d been there to yell “Duck!”
@Dovil: awww, I’ve got my Uni of Auckland t-shirt around somewhere. It’s now worth 1.3 million and a family of six live in it.
@MorganHopes: There is a company called Lusty & Blundell and I cannot believe it sells something as mundane as marine hydraulics
@_kellydare_: hahah once when I was a barista, I only made people flat whites cuz I couldn’t be fucked making anything else. no matter what they asked for

Picking a winner was tough, but I finally picked out one that makes me laugh every time I look at it again:

@damianchristie: Somehow, the convict got the idea that it was totally fine to travel overseas, as long as it wasn’t in his capacity as a prisoner.

zenergylogo Congrats Mr Christie! You get some Z Energy vouchers for petrol and pies and maybe even some cheeky Christmas gifts. And @thelittlepakeha, you get some too! Vouchers for everyone*! – Cate

*not everyone, just those two.

Best Kiwi Tweets of October 2014

Compiled by Amy (@not_friends)

I tried to come up with some October-relevant themes, but I’m really just here for tweets about food, animals and kids.

Tweets about food
@Naly_D: Why is surf and turf even a thing like just make your mind up
@suchlucia: FYI my wedding body regime consists of Thai takeaways, pineapple lumps, and alcohol
@seemsforever: concept: ‘where’s whippy’, an app that tracks all the mr whippy vans in auckland at any given time. make it happen, nerds
@magoogahbuh: Ugh, I just did a thumbs up to the self-checkout machine at countdown.
@Megapope: “That looks healthy!” *brittle smile* *Me, takes another bite of sausage covered in grated cheese and happily nods with mouth full*
@hellomisspotter: What they really need to teach in school is life skills. Like how to stop eating the M&Ms half way through the packet.

Tweets about animals
@BanksyBeeBoo: I am 100% sure that chickens know something I don’t and that is why they always sound so alarmed.
@HungryandFrozen: I just dropped PESTO on a CORGI
@jason_aldous: Does my Twitter picture look smug? I am holding a beautiful cat remember.
@BakeKater: “I’m smarter than you. I’ve got a job.” @ruthpops to our cat just now

Tweets about kids
@willowthebean: “I’ll roll the ball, you roll it back, and if it goes in the mud I’ll get it. Let’s call the game Roll Back If In Mud Get.”
@KatieLou219: Nothing like driving past 2 cows in a paddock doing the deed with an 8 & an 11 year old in the car. “Kate. What are they doing?”
@pinkdeedle: Sometimes I stare at my new baby and I think “I am super glad I took antibiotics while on the pill”
@BoganetteNZ: “Where’s your shoe?” Eddie: “window” “You threw it out the car window?” Eddie – *nods sadly* “WHY??” Eddie:”window” “That’s not a reason!!”
@BexieLady: “We’re into farting, but not smelling farts.” -My 5 year old child.

Tweets about the chocolate milk
@niceties: I had a sad thought about how likely it is that some person proudly brought home regular Lewis Road milk.
@molliotti: When New World inevitably releases a Little Shop Lewis Road Creamery Chocolate Milk I think New Zealand might implode.
@tipfriday: I think it’s easier to get Ebola than this whitakers chocolate milk #IJustWantATaste
@HatePash1: Was all “these dicks going nuts over chocolate milk” and then remembered how many blocks of 100s & 1000s chocolate I bought so I’ll shut it.
@niceties: If the chocolate milk wasn’t perishable I’d buy some and put it in the food bank bin and feel simultaneously good and evil.

Tweets about Halloween
@TroyRF: We didn’t prepare any candy this year so, uh, sorry about the hastily-scribbled notes at the door saying “have you considered Paleo?”
@sneakybaker: My Halloween costume is The Lady Who Told Your Kids Off Last Time They Were Rude At Her Front Door
@TophHooperton: Shaming teenage trick or treaters by treating them like 5 year olds. ‘What a cute costume! You’re so adorable!’ Etc. One just refused candy.

Tweets about the power cut
@seemsforever: power returned just in time to catch a sloth doco on tv1+1, this wknd is the gift that keeps on giving
@picture_window: ‘sparkling pomegranate noir’ a warehouse candle option for my romantic night alone sans electricity
@DawgBelly: When I lost power last weekend nobody made sarcastic jokes at my expense. I guess I must be more lovable than Epsom.
@ebryantnz: For once, Hamilton leads Auckland on the modernism front. We have electricity! #fancy

Tweets about other October-y themes
@davejac: Perhaps the younger generations should decide to withhold supplying iPhone troubleshooting to boomers until they do something about housing.
@VinLew: If you take $40,000 cash, put it in a blender with water, and give it to a low income family, they can use it to buy a house #homeopathy
@mlle_elle: to be honest if you’re going to take anyone’s last name it might as well be George Clooney’s
@AliIkram: Given twitter’s left wing bias and taking into account the election result, I strongly suspect everyone on here of being Cunliffe’s wife.

Other tweets I liked
@ohsarahrose: Fun prank I just thought of: secretly add an exclamation point to the email signature of a colleague. Never mention it.
@_PocketWitch: Went to garden centre to buy leafy house plants, got overwhelmed and panic-bought a cactus that looks like Mickey Mouse
@izzyelle: Life is full of choices. Do I clean up, or do I lie in bed eating banana bread with my electric blanket on listening to Taylor Swift songs?
@HatePash1: Started an apple avalanche at New World Metro. After the the egg incident last week I’m 1 dropped bottle of sav away from a trespass notice.
@mlle_elle: I’m sitting on this bench on Vulcan Lane and I’m not leaving ’til I bloody get snapped for a bloody street style blog
@picture_window: my left eyebrow is definitely my favourite.
@caitypai: New relationship milestone: looking bored in JB HI-FI while Greg looks at games he doesn’t own a console for.
@sez_sez: Tea will always be my one true love but seriously it’s high maintenance. Get up, boil the jug, get up, put tea on, get up, pour tea.

Tweet of the month winner:

@BoganetteNZ: “Where’s your shoe?” Eddie: “window” “You threw it out the car window?” Eddie – *nods sadly* “WHY??” Eddie:”window” “That’s not a reason!!”

zenergylogo Congrats Boganette! And thanks not_friends for compiling the mega-edition this month! You both score vouchers from Z Energy… AND YOU GET SOME BLOKHEDZ (I had some of these at work but someone gave me puppy dog eyes until I relented and gave him my set. They’re a Thing.) – Cate

ELECTION SPECIAL: Best Kiwi Tweets of September 2014

Compiled by @Megapope
Welcome to the Election Special of TOTM! As we all know, September was almost entirely taken up by the heated foreplay, explosive climax and regretful wiping up of the New Zealand 2014 General Election. In keeping with the tradition of pissing off as many TOTM readers as humanly possible, I’ve gleefully ignored almost every nomination sent to me over the last 30+ days and have instead compiled a list of the most worthy election themed jokes, posturings, rants, frenzied expletives and mournful utterings. Because if you’re not already hugely sick of reading about the 2014 election, you will be after this.

The highlights of the NZ election include…

The Aro Valley Debate!
@ColeyTangerina: Billie just had to be comforted by Grant for laughing too hard about “squirting”
TBarugh I could go to #AroDebate or I could listen to t-pain
@Simonpnz Is it possible to be bigoted against old white guys? Asking for a friend.
@HatePash1 Got my voting papers which is great because I now know that name of the ALCP guy I accidentally hit on
@ChickyMcNuggs Mum’s evil eyeing the national sympathisers in the corner

Eminem sues the National Party!
@JesseMulligan Eminem also suing John Key for being a multimillionaire who grew up in poverty and is tormented by someone called Kim
@_jjw_ I illegally downloaded Eminem and called people losers when I was 16 too.
@danylmc I assume the police will conduct an armed raid on National’s HQ in Pipitea Street

Election day censorship!
@BarristerNZ Hello #ThingsYouCanTweetOnElectionDay
@revhirini Twitter right now looks like the tv version of rehab. Everyone shuffling around, angrily smoking cigarettes and really wanting another hit.
@eMPOWERedNZ I saw a fire engine on the way to the Warehouse. #ThingsYouCanTweetOnElectionDay
@freezingkiwi I am the all-powerful New Zealander Overseas! I can tweet whatever I want muwahaha
@jamescardno Is it illegal to listen to Eminem today?
@RuminatorNZ So who should I vote for? #honeytrap
@thomasbeagle A friend in his 40s has still never voted. Going to have to break it to him that he can’t save them up and use them all at once.
@AliIkram Twitter, when they stopped us talking about the election, I discovered we have nothing in common.

Livetweeting the election night results!
@tripthestation The amount of fucks I give about Epsom are minimal
@Kimcooksforyou How is it only 9.18pm? I swear this has been going for forty years already.
@kalena No no no no NO! I don’t think I can watch @TV3nz coverage if Paul effing Henry is on the panel. Shit.
@RevTamihere Woohoo! Looks like Labour’s going to smash the 5% party vote threshold! High five everybody!
@_jjw_ “Time for a cry wank” — most leftwingers right now
@utherlives Lots of nappy ads on the livestream. Appropriate as we watch the country shit itself.
@KendallForbes Have we had distracting background graphics or tinder-like touch screen interface yet? #decision14 #derision14
@theJDuce PSA: dip your hash browns in onion dip! #partyinyourmouth #TWvote #decision14
@mizjwilliams OH: “I want to get in the right place so I can just hug John Key”. From a male Young Nat
@Hilary_Barry I was keen for more party games but most of the Conservatives are leaving the party. Stink. Maybe if I suggest spin the bottle?
@harrison_ You can tell who voted for who by how passive aggressive their tweets are right now.

That Labour caucus media stakeout!
@mizjwilliams Trevor Mallard emerges. “What’s going on Trevor?” “I’m going to the dunny”.
@robhosking BREAKING: Cunliffe tells caucus Jim Morrison & Weird Naked Indian appeared in dream & say Labour can rediscover purpose by staging concert
@LewSOS Let me get this right. After gurgling around in the guts of the Beehive for seven hours, the Labour caucus exited via the back passage?
@tripthestation I reckon they’re doing trust falls in the Labour caucus room by now.
@MrDuttonPeabody *spins spinner* Trevor Mallard: “Left foot Green!” David Cunliffe: “Look, I said I made a mistake not doing that already”
@WendyWings So is there a white smoke thing going to happen when #LabourCaucus ends or is that just for a new pope?
@LachlanForsyth EXCLUSIVE. Door left ajar for Labour caucus meeting.

And finally let’s wrap this show up with some misc thoughts from our political pundits.
@AceMcWicked I will be exposing the emails of fashionable foodees using the twitter handle @Kaledump
@Dovil Who else read ‘twewwible’ and thought that Slater/Collins was involved in some kind of adult baby sex trist cause you do now, you’re welcome
@prinnbanktce “photographic evidence of a cabinet minister riding a giraffe like a horse while blind drunk” things that would not surprise me any more.
@writehandedgirl ‘It’s time for change!’ yells the old white man to the room full of old white men. They all cheer. They are pleased.
@stephanierodgrs Of course the KDC email contains the phrase “game changer”. OF COURSE IT DOES. @patrickgowernz must be sobbing with laughter.
@RupertTheBeer Remember the good old days when the Prime Minister did harmless things like get drunk and call snap elections?
@LachlanForsyth So, at the end of the day, we did reach peak cray after all. Now, what was it?

Really there are many winners from this election. John Key, obviously, but he’s probably got enough accolades already as part of that whole prime minister gig. Onion dip was a definite winner on the night itself, but ultimately I have to give the prize to @tripthestation for an excellent combination of snark, anger, wit and making me laugh like a hyena more than once during September. Well done!





zenergylogoCongrats, Trip, you’ve scored yourself some vouchers from vouchers from Z Energy! Also Popeface, you get some too, so you can drink slushies to your heart’s content. Please send me your mailing addresses so you can be full of petrol and pie!

Best Kiwi Tweets of August 2014

Compiled by @sportsfreakconz

August 2014; the month completely overrun by #DirtyPolitics, and all the conjecture and counter-conjecture that induced. A lot of it was pretty ugly at times, making his quite a challenging month, and I pity whoever is tagged with performing September. [That’s poor old @megapope – Cate]

In amongst all of this, other things broke out.

We kept eating and drinking
@lukeappleby: Forget the ice bucket challenge, let’s see some KFC bucket challenges
@jpdanner: Ice cream & strawberry apple pie for lunch. Because I’m a fucking adult
@BitchAboutDevo: Fierce just walked past someone who is so drunk he can’t walk by himself into his house. It’s 6.32pm. #devonport

Family Time
@annasmartnz: In A&E waiting for my 6yo sons chin to be stitched and he chooses now to ask how you get babies.
@plinythemidlkid: “There’s a bum. There’s a penis. There’s a penis.” Our Kid flicks through the Italian Renaissance art book.
@BoganetteNZ: E was running round the house & I couldn’t catch him so I yelled out “Where’s your penis?” He stopped to check. Parenting fail/win/something.
@SachaMcNeil: Small person going through the alphabet to see what rhymed with ‘ducky’. Had to put an end to it 6 letters in.

Kiwi Stylz
@LewSOS: Dude with feet so sun burnt he can’t wear shoes walking barefoot through the grim Wellington weather is basically the ultimate humblebrag
@Simonpnz: Team leader just suggested we call a teammate DP bc of their initials and I kept a straight face. Medal please.
@ShitAkhilSays: Cornrows in 2014 are proof that humans don’t always learn from their past mistakes
@Vegrandis: If u go to take a hot selfie and angle so hard to hide your chins that you pull a muscle in your neck. Can u claim ACC? Asking for a friend.

Life online
@AnnaliesvK: My mother has sent me an email with the signature “Mumzie”. I believe this to be a sign of an impending zombie apocalypse.
@3rd_Gen_: There was a time twitter when you really got behind my drink antics
@_idarima: It’s been a confusing, exhausting, frustrating, demanding, emotional, draining, uplifiting, inspiring, laughter-filled, love-infused day
@Shellface: So yeah. My mum unfollowed me. Beat that, twitter.
@vaughndavis: Server down = bad. Goose down = snuggly. (Unless we’re talking Top Gun, in which case = sad.)

Dirty Politics
@nzkoz: “The founder of the Internet Party, mr dotcom, is accused of hacking whaleoil’s email”. NZ politics must seem crazy insane to outsiders
@BookieMonsterNZ: So who thinks Cam and Kim are going to get together in the end. I mean this is what it’s all leading up to, right? Right?
@LachlanForsyth: Listening back to my question in standup with the PM I appear to have asked about “Judas Collins.”
@ravenous_wolves: a good thing about election hoardings is it’s really easy to distinguish which of your neighbours to hate
@jpdarroch: Today at work I heard someone being told that they were “on a Judith Collins last chance”
@mikekilpatrick: I’m all for vandalising billboards – I consider taking the piss out of politicians near mandatory. But I wish people who did could spell.
@Ward_Kamo: The thing left and right can agree on – @nzherald is completely biased against them. Nothing more than a mouthpiece for the other side.
@jofajafa: Some time soon someone is going to rework Kenny Rogers’ “The Gambler” lyrics to “The Blogger”. I’d have a crack myself but sleep beckons
@richardboock: Never thought i’d ever hear myself saying this, but the nats are missing people with the integrity of @tauhenare.
@Styla73: Waiting for the creation of a @MetiriasJacket Twitter account
@petrajane: So proud to live in a country where elected representatives use “intelligent” as an insult.
@toad001: Blocked by @Whaleoil on Twitter! Might have to retaliate & hack his blog… Oh, shit! Someone else thought of that first. #Whaledump

Token sports corner
@choiceknickers: walking around oakleigh shopping centre. go past the tab hear “fuck shit. come on, fuck, fuck shit!”….guessing his horse came last
@Vegrandis: When you see 1996 Olympic gold medalist Danyon Loader on tinder do you swipe right?

These are the questions of our generation.


zenergylogoAnd the winner is …. @nzkoz. Because it’s probably time we all stepped back and look at how silly this whole thing looks.

[Thank you so much, for curating this month @SportsFreakcoNZ, and congrats to @nzkoz! Send me your mailing address and some Z vouchers will be on their way to you shortly 🙂 ]

Best Kiwi Tweets of July 2014

Compiled by @xenojay

Thanks Cate for thinking I have the chops to follow Takapunani and collate this month’s tweets. HERE WE ARE AT JULIUS CAESAR’S MONTH! Two cultures are destroying each other as Royals sneak into Commonwealth Game athletes pictures, all the while our countries politicians are starting to pop up on billboards which are defaced as quickly as a Jesus Fresco in Spain.

Oh, and Ebola appears to be back in a large way, along with a potentially fatal strain of ‘cold virus’ having been created by some scientist who thought that was a smart idea.

So let’s read over some amusing anecdotes while we prepare for what will most likely be the impending zombie apocalypse!

@mostlydolly when dating as a “mature” woman, I can only offer 1 piece of advice. Wine.
@RachelRayner I’ve had the sniffles for a week. There are so many used tissues in my bedroom, it looks like I’ve been hosting a Teen boy.
@Tarquin_Death This skirt seemed longer when I wasn’t in the office
@NanaJ9 Man outside supermarket manning the charity bbq “this lady looks like she needs a sausage”….. More than you know mate. More than you know.

No More Beersies For You
@3rd_Gen_ If anyone is slightly hungover – be assured at least your not my neighbour who I ‘met’ in elevator last night being carried in by 6 friends
@southernscoop I used to live next door to Che Fu. Puked on his house. His dog ate it. Possibly inspired a song.
@tomtremewan S/O to the hammered dude waiting for his burger eating leftover burgers from other peoples’ table

@dovil Is the Opening Ceremony drunk?
@_surlymermaid_ Is the games opening really that bad? You guys are making it sound like it’s the Home and Away cast remaking House of Cards
@jospehmoore1 How good was that pash???!!! More pashing in opening ceremonies please #Glasgow2014
@wecanpartthesea Mum on the young mountain biker who won a medal in Glasgow: “It looked so easy, I could have done it.”
@GrumpyYetAmusin “Trust the Aussies to have shit togs” #TheWife #CommonwealthGames

What Even Is Politics?
@DavidSlack NZ First slogan: “It’s Common Sense”. Arse. I had twenty bucks on “Nurse!!”
@aaronincognito I have just been followed by @InternetPartyNZ. This means I’m about to be followed by @GCSBIntercepts
@zkerr590 OH in newsroom: “Oh that politician is filled with candy, if you whack him with a stick, the lollies come out”
@toby_etc If I were the Fish & Game CEO I too would be very upset if Nick Smith started threatening to twerk.

Anti-Social Media
@cateowen It’s my brother’s birthday in two days. I’ve changed his Facebook settings to make his birthday private. No one is going to get notified.
@hdpaNEWS Last night a 60 year old burned me in front of other 60 year olds by yelling out “HASHTAG BORN”.
@mlle_elle A cider company has reached 100,000 fans on Facebook. How does this even happen. How do they user engagement. How do they Facebook
@Nightwyrm “We encourage you to download the Messenger app…” Yeah nah, fuck off FB.
@delphijunkie Just won a staring contest with the cat and I need to tweet about it or my victory will be hollow

Mum’s The Word!
@_snozzberry_ “Why is he wearing glasses with no lenses?” – Mum “Did you ask Michael Jackson why he wore one glove?” OMG I just compared Redfoo to MJ
@TheComedyWife If your baby farts into your hand while you’re carrying her is it still considered a cupcake? Not asking for a friend.
@bexielady Told the midwife I’m planning on making placenta meatloaf. She thought I was serious and tried hard to be supportive. Oops.
@nikinajar Granny on farming: ‘there used to be six million sheep in New Zealand. Then the cows took over’
@josiecampbell The great thing about funerals is that it gives your relatives a chance to not understand your career/hairstyle choices.

Life. Oh Life.
@hamo_d My superpower is that nobody wants to sit next to me on the train. #itsagift
@chrisiswhoiam it’s 2014 and i’m still bloody baffled by what goes on under an escalator
@vergrandis Unless there’s free food or dick – I don’t know how to be on time for things.
@Rose_Matafeo Looking forward to another year of being mistaken for Keisha Castle-Hughes now that she’s famous again
@TophHooperton I’m watching a woman demonstrating a slicer in The Warehouse to get a free potato peeler. #NewLow (I think I’m gonna buy the slicer.)

Oh, So That’s How You Journalism…
@chris__schulz “Just vomit words onto the page” #overheardintheheraldnewsroom #handytipforaspiringjournos
@SteveBraunias Someone unfollowed @dbseymour so he only had 665 followers so I followed to bring it back to 666 then someone else followed so I unfollowed

Winner – In a hotly contested competition (Not really, I just want it to sound dramatic), I choose @NanaJ9 because I laughed at it more than the amount of sausages sold by that Charity BBQ Group. Which was probably a lot.


zenergylogoCongrats @NanaJ9 and thank you @xenojay! Both of you will be getting vouchers from the @zenergynz team so you can enjoy petrol and pies!

Best Kiwi Tweets of June 2014

Compiled by @takapunani

Thanks to Cate Owen for allowing me to collate this month’s tweets. WELCOME TO JUNE EVERYBODY! It was a fun month for us. We learnt more about ‘the beautiful game’ thanks to the 2014 FIFA World Cup . I personally learnt that if you call it soccer on twitter you get yelled at. Colin Craig kept on Colin Craiging. And love continued to evade many of us. Thankfully Tinder filled that gap * check with Cate if I can make a joke about Tinder filling my gap*

Working hard or hardly working…
@Nightwyrm Managed to press pause and not reply to an email with “ARE YOU ON FUCKING CRACK?” #winning
@rafaelmagu “No, I swear the beer was all over my desk before I got here.“

Dogs have owners, cats have staff, chickens have..?
@ColeyTangerina Our chicken comes inside as we have cooked chicken on the bench and I’m all OMG HIDE THE FOOD. What is wrong with me!?
@DawgBelly “What’s that?” “Oh nothing Dad” *pockets underwear stuck in doggy door*
@nina_mcsweeney My little kitty bites too much, has anxiety issues, and needs to be medicated. So pretty much exactly like me.
@sarabeee A thing Tilly offered to help with today: dispose of toenail clippings #evenlittlewhitedoggiesaregross

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself….
@guywilliamsguy What do you mean you’re going to try and bring back the Moa? WHY DON’T YOU FOCUS ON KEEPING THE BLOODY MAUI DOLPHIN ALIVE!
@AndreAlessi The Tea Party is bullshit. They don’t even know the difference between English Breakfast and Earl Grey.
@MegaPope Another day of not being blocked by Judith Collins. Martyn Bradbury’s block is really low value, I’m just not feeling it.
@shacklemore If Maui dolphins want democratic representation, they can damn well donate to National like everybody else important does.

All’s fair in love and war
@hungryandfrozen lol just added a thing about my cookie business on my tinder profile for I am a savvy business woman.
@Becs Sometimes I read a book or a poem or listen to a song & I think they wrote my heart.
@ghettoanger Left swipe. Right swipe. Right swipe. Left swipe. Right swipe. Right- wait a minute, what the hell is my WIFE doing on here? #shortandtweet
@jog__on “Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher had a romantic dinner date this weekend” and I ate 3 cookie times. A great weekend was had by all.

NZers. Winning at life since ages ago.
@Dovil Got in empty lift that someone was using to store all the world’s farts in. Got out to crowd of waiting people. May have to leave town.
@RachelRayner Huh so this is what @kfcnz tastes like when I’m not hungover. #WhoKnew
@MarquisedeSark Riding my bike home today, a young boy of around 10 while passing me, stood on his pedals and thrust his crotch at me several times. WTAF
@Lozalock Indian and Gilmore Girls. Yeaaaaaaaboi
@TomTremewan Ugh I went to New World but left my Fucking Clue at home. You should never go to the supermarket at night without a Fucking Clue.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
@AnnaGConnell Would going back to bed with salmon dip and a baguette be gross? The intention is to eat the dip and the baguette.
@Vegrandis Got 2 T-Bone steaks for me and my lover tonight , so that’s 1 steak for me, and….. 1 more steak for me
@SarahMcMullanNZ I just saw a woman eat half of a #MrsHiggins cookie, then put the rest away FOR LATER. So she’s obviously an evil witch right?
@ohsarahrose There is Moccona coffee in my cup. I have done nothing to deserve this. Nothing.
@antsgardiner McDonalds has released a Brazilian burger. It is mostly free of pubes. Unlike their other burgers.

@TheTamari I didn’t know that guy off the “get a perm” instant kiwi ad was an all black.
@MicheleAnn_ ‘Do the goal thing! The thing where you get one!’ – Encouragement I am giving Argentina.
@spat106 The All Blacks don’t do anything shameful as biting as the only things they’re allowed to bite into are official food products of the ABs’


z-energy Winner – I choose @TomTremewan because maybe he can use the vouchers in case he leaves his fucking clue at home again.

:: Thanks Ms Punani – there’s some Z-based goodies for both you and Tom – send me your address 🙂 – Cate

Best Kiwi Tweets of May 2014

Compiled by Kat Jenkins

[Keep reading after Kat’s made her pick for tweet of the month because there’s a special something going on that I don’t want you to miss out on! – Cate]

Domestic gods and goddesses
@TophHooperton I fixed the dishwasher. I pulled it out of the thing and I followed the cable and I wiggled it and it works. #HellaManly
@josiecampbell Being a woman with multi-tasking abilities is awesome. I just simultaneously burned toast and let the fire go out.
@beekaynz 4pm me is super grateful to 9am me for having put dinner in the crockpot. I’m going to make 7pm me an apple crumble as a reward.

Born this way
@aberopitini I finally found the courage to ask about LGBT acceptance in China and my new friends smiled and started singing “Born This Way” and I cried.
@not_friends “Do you want me to turn on the tv?” “No I just want to stare at you. I have strong love feelings for you.” #druggedFrith

The problem with 2014
@Megapope How the hell do you put the Facebook Android feed to most recent and why can’t I explode Mark Zuckerberg with my mind?
@giselledraws The year is 2014, I’m trying to buy envelopes on the internet but can’t because I don’t have a fax machine.
@lmfbs Earlier today I mocked a colleague about having a paper dictionary. Internet went down at work so I shamefully had to ask to borrow it.
@Robbo_Junior Autocorrect and I like to play a little game called Duck Duck Fuck.
@behathrills There’s a kid in Haeata’s class called Kale. Central Auckland, we need to talk.

You can’t choose your family
@annagconnell Dad just called me a wussy liberal pinko for suggesting that someone might let him in if he put his indicator on. Gonna be a long day.
@rosieiscool Miss 9 out of bed. “I’m getting a dictionary to see what porn is” Me: >___< Sit down, I’ll explain, it’s tricky. Miss 9: OK, what’s p.a.w.n
@Tweet_Ti My husband has run out of songs to entertain our demanding child during her bath. He’s currently singing Wilson Philips “Hold On”. Badly.

@nintendoug Now my desk is clean, I’m going to have to deal to this beard. Can’t write an assignment with a shabby beard.

Gluten is still a thing
@tobiasbrockie assuming “gluten tag” is a great joke among the bakeries of germany
@mcquillanatorz My gluten-free banana loaf is many things, but “delicious” or “cooked through” or “tastes like banana” are not among those ??

Stay classy
@Vegrandis I’m really glad pointy cone boobs aren’t in fashion this decade, my boobs only know one shape and that’s a parallelogram.
@Adr1anaDeMarco You ever do that thing after you have a shower, when you just casually laze around in a towel and surf the web. oh yeah ‘surf’ that web
@pinkdeedle I sat on my hand for ages and then picked my nose a bit and it was the weirdest feeling. Like someone else was picking it. The end.

Do I get to choose who wins the Z Energy voucher? If I do, I choose @TophHooperton because he might need some supplies to keep on being MacGuyverlicious.

– @katjnz

BNZ-Literary-AwardWell, about that… This month’s TOTM are brought to you by BNZ, more specifically the BNZ Literary Awards. The BNZ social media team love writing, they love Twitter, and want to encourage all you clever wordsmiths to think about entering the Literary Awards, which celebrate short story writing. To say thanks to our usual sponsors Z Energy, Kat and the Twitter community for letting them hijack this month’s TOTM, they’re doubling the prizes across the board!

BNZ also have a fun Twitter-related announcement coming next Monday morning so keep an eye out on their Twitter account @BNZ to find out all about it. I already know what it is, and I think it’s going to be a lot of fun, and make choosing June’s TOTM that much harder!

Bring on Monday! x

Best Kiwi Tweets of April 2014

Okay so TOTM is a bit late this month AND it doesn’t have a guest author. Long story short, I was going to try something special this month and I couldn’t pull it off. So, you get me. Wait, hang on. Let’s do this properly.

Compiled by Cate Owen

Hehehe, byline.

Okay, into it!

Better living, everybody!
@jordyn_amelia Tip of the day – if you don’t want strange people outside your house, don’t have a feijoa tree.
@_snozzberry_ Why wardrobe? Why not peacedrobe?
@geekboy73 Just requested a meeting with my boss. Set it up accidentally for 153 days duration. He turned it down. #disappointed #wheresthecommitment

Easter Happens
@twit_ash I think at least hardware stores should be able to open today. Hammers, nails, and wood are Easter necessities.
@wandaharland It’s our time to shine folks, the Easter eggs are on sale. I repeat: the Easter eggs are on sale.

A Prince visited
@L_To 20 “news stories” on what Baby George may possibly be doing today. Shitting, eating, sleeping. There I called it so bog off stupid news.
@liamdann A lot of people mistaking NZs Royals obsession for a backward colonial thing when in fact it reflects a very modern US style celeb fixation.
@NateNauer Please people focus on what’s important, like WRESTLEMANIA!
– more Royal tweets in a TOTM Special Edition (opens in new window)

Tech Tweets
@MoataTamaira Just unplugged and replugged our wifi router with my feet while holding the baby. #modernmotherhood
@Jacs76 Argh. Stuck in the bunnings playground with only one red bar on the iPhone.
@giselledraws I have a folder on my computer just for photos of birds looking beak-first at the camera. This is my happy place.
@BeccaBarnesCats My flatmate Snapchatted me a picture of my other flatmate Snapcatting me a picture of my cat.
@TophHooperton I think Buzzfeed’s investigative journalism might be taken more seriously if the rest of their site wasn’t just GIFs of Beyonce’s ass.

Stay Classy, New Zealand
@Tenani Neighbour just caught me dancing along the couch while I vacuumed. We made awkward eye contact. She laughed. I’m moving out.
@DrJared Man flu is worse than cancer. I feel I have the authority to speak to such issues.
@gemmagracewood Listened to some Americans last night talking Conscious Uncoupling. Told them NZ relationships usually start with Unconscious Coupling.
@Vegrandis One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life was a ‘Lifetime Supply of KFC’ swipe card.




Thanks to our friends at Z Energy, and lack of guest ed, I have TWO lots of $40 vouchers for my favourite tweets!

Congrats to geekboy73 – I hope this goes some of the way to covering up the pain of your boss rejecting you, and one for L_To, because you really did call it.

Send me your mailing addresses! x

Best Kiwi Tweets of March 2014

Compiled by @ColeyTangerina

March happened. It was kind of sticky and warm and not very autumnal. But hey I’m a ginger so I’m at home in cold weather where I can’t burst into flames as easily.

Your tweets were weird and delightful as always, so let’s get into it.

March Missives
@AceMcWicked: I imagine Leviticus was the bloke who sent the ancient equivalent of emails around the office complaining the kitchen was ‘a total mess’
@moscaddie: what kind of unforgivable monster would send a linkedin invitation to the critique my dick pic account
@BitchAboutDevo: Mum is scrolling down her Facebook timeline and every single person who isn’t Fijian appears to be at the John Farnham concert right now

@bumwees: I’m your manic pixie 182cm bearded watching Tv in my pants eating chocolate guy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Death is certain
@LizlovesSydney: I just don’t think NZ yet has the racial maturity or unity to break free and become a public. Australia almost does.
@fastercamels: How did men express they were able to think or feel before the ability to link to Louis CK videos?

Life tips
@guywilliamsguy: Tired or fatigued at work tell them you have diarrhea and sleep in the toilet. #lifehack
@Vegrandis: When you’re at your white friend’s house for dinner and you need to add 2kgs of salt and pepper to everything on your plate.

@CherylBernstein: “Welcome to my fartwater, Captain Shitwhiskers.” The small guy to his 6yo sister, on getting into the bath.
@fuck_lupus: Cat comes inside licking his chops and smelling of perfume. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU LITTLE SHIT?
@Robbo_Junior: I can tell it’s a hen’s party because one woman is wearing a veil with penises all over it.
@Simonpnz: “It’s really considerate of you to but a house with a wardrobe big enough for me to stand in while you sleep.” – @simonjtapp keeps it cool.

@NicSampsonDid Robbie Williams not want a Rock DJ or did he not want to be forced to rock TO a DJ?
@anagrammaton: foucault you elusive motherfucker
@Rose_Matafeo: is it weird that I feel like Sylvester Stallone might be a lovely guy
@verslibre: I don’t know if it’s fair to put eggs and mayonnaise together. It’s like making cows eat other cows. It’s not, but it kind of still is a bit

THE WINNER: AceMcWicked. Have some shit. You’re pretty funny.

Also sorry (not sorry) for the Liz Shaw.

– Coley


z-energyThanks to our friends at Z Energy, we have $40 worth of vouchers for both Ace McWicked for his winning tweet, and Coley for compiling them! That’s a lot of pie. Message me your mailing address and I’ll get them out to you ASAP – Cate