The strangest conversation Mum and I have ever had

Some days my life is like an episode of Girls.

My mother is a lovable oddball. She’s a bit naive, and a bit of a softie. Above all else, she wants to love and be loved.

She was very young when she had me and my brother, and so in a sense the three of us were raised by my grandmother, a woman I love fiercely. Gran had a very strong religious bent, and so even though mum doesn’t practice the faith, she has all the catchphrases.

A couple of years ago I was in Gisborne, visiting my mother. We were at a restaurant, the kind with low walls separating the tables and cheap plastic tablecloths. Mum, who doesn’t have any teeth, was eating a banana split.

“Gay people make me uncomfortable,” she began. “I think God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

I rolled my eyes.

“They deserve love though. They are human beings and they deserve love. It’s just not something I like.”

“Okay, mum.”

“But God made Adam and Eve.”

“Not Adam and Steve. Got it.” I waved her conversation away.

She ate her banana for a while before trying again.

“Do you have anything you want to tell me?”

I paused, puzzled. “No?”

“Because I don’t want it in my house, but I do think the gays deserve love.”

“Mum, what is this about?”

“Well, your brother said that you… I mean, you haven’t bought a man home since you were a teenager and… I mean, I don’t agree with it but…”

The table next to us stopped talking and cast quick glances our way.

“What…” I left the question hanging as she pushed the rest of the banana into her mouth.┬áIt took me a moment to click. “I’m not gay, mum.”

“Well Gavin says-”

I cut her off. My brother talks a lot of shit. “He doesn’t know anything. I’m not gay.”

“You can tell me. It’s okay.”

“If I was, I’d tell you.” I paused to watch her shovel a spoonful of cream into her mouth, losing half of it down her shirt in the process. “I just haven’t had any boyfriends that would survive meeting you.”

The strangest conversation Mum and I have ever had

One thought on “The strangest conversation Mum and I have ever had

  • February 27, 2014 at 1:48 pm
    Permalink

    I love this. But where’s the doge? Anyway, extremely lovable blog post!

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: