Author: Cate Owen

Time for the best Kiwi Tweets of November! There were a LOT of nominations this month – it’s great to see some fresh faces amongst our regulars! Thanks to everyone who messaged me your favourites.

Parenting Tweets
‏@harvestbird Based on a sample set of two, everyone is teething. You, clearly, are teething. Those buildings there are teething. This desk is teething.
@bobsyauncle I love this time of year & being able to invoke “Santa’s Naughty List” blackmail
@MsKateMcD 7 yr old daughter opens birthday card from grandparents, finds generous birthday cheque. Looks at it, bewildered – “what is it?”
@jamesotron Just rang the phone in the kitchen to tell the 8yo to get dressed so I didn’t have to get up
@delphijunkie Miss 14 is at home studying today. Apparently Spongebob is on the curriculum this year
@CherylBernstein “I always eat the gingerbread man’s head first, Mum, because otherwise he has to watch himself die, which is a bit mean.”

That New Zealand feel
@Atomic_Moog Yes, the Black Caps are playing on Sky Sport tonight RT @lisalooloo70: Is there a Sunday horror?
@BexieLady “I don’t sleep with guys in their cars, the boys I sleep with don’t have cars!” Oh Christchurch, full of great comebacks and class.
@shazndolly when I woke up it was all Trelise and sunny. Now its cloudy and Glassons 🙁
@kebabette The only way I could be more bored by The Hobbit is if it starred Kim Dotcom, Dan Carter, and a big jar of marmite.
@Dovil Hekia Parata should finish off each set of meaningless ramblings with a flourish of jazz hands and a canon shooting glitter.

Stay Classy
@Sidawg2 Saw someone flip the bird to a passing car today and then immediately walk into a pole
@oldmannato I was bringing sexy back this morning, but I didn’t have the receipt and now I’m stuck with all this sexy
@pinkdeedle Got stuck in the toilets at restaurant. Had to text for help. A screwdriver was used. I got a free dessert.
@sonyamanchiraju “Welcome to the family. Here’s your deworming tablet.” – Early days with mother-in-law.
@ryansallan I do NOT recommend chopping chillies then handling genitals….
@BitchAboutDevoWhen i play monopoly i always end up going directly to jail. Maybe its because I’m black?
@antsgardiner I would like to use the same PR agency that dolphins use. Those dudes are badass, calculating, killers, but everyone loves them
@Paj8 In from milking to find note saying “at neighbours having a wine” This usually means takeaways, drunk wife and potential #boomchuckawowowo
@lmfbs I’m on the same pee schedule as another lady from work and I think she thinks I’m stalking her in the toilet.

Movember!
@TwitOnTourNZ Planning My Movember Gala outfit… Question, How long does it take to grow eyebrows back?
@beanbiz There should be a Movember where people who have grown disgraceful moustaches in the past get sponsored not to grow a mo.

Digital Life
@j20r Just got called a “cat googler” on Facebook like it’s some kind of insult
@katemilkshakes The elderly man next to @badtom and my table after dinner: “oh, you don’t need a photo of your glass of water too?”
@Sportzfreak NZ Twitter has been at its best in the last half hour. Ask where some obscure sportsman went to school and half of you know him / his dad.
@CyrisXD I’m changing my Gamertag to “a baby panda” so when people kill me, it’ll say, “You killed a baby panda.” and everyone will hate them.
@KendallForbes Sometimes the “similar to you” twitter suggestions are a little offensive.

This month the Old Mout Cider has to go to @TwitOnTourNZ for all his fantastic work with Movember – Angus raised over $6,000! Well done, mate. Enjoy the cider – you really deserve it.

Just as an aside, I’d like to say a big THANK YOU to websam for all the amazing work he’s done on NZ Secret Santa. It’s been a huge effort on Sam’s part, and an awesome thing to be a part of.

It is that time again – the best Kiwi tweets of the month: October 2012 edition!

Bus Tweets
@toryhipster Pro tips to freak out people staring at your from their bus as you wait for yours: make eye contact. Lick your lips continually.
@RachelRayner Teen at bus stop looked at my outfit-full skirt to beehive ‘do-not with scorn but with trepidation, as if worried she’s missed a style memo.
@gossip_dork “catching a bus is like timesharing a stretch limo” – things I tell myself to avoid suicide

TV Tweets
@formerlydaniels That was so nice of Ben Stiller to do the Energywise ads
@damianchristie The shopping channel reminds me of a game where you give someone a bunch of P then get them to talk about some crap they found in a drawer.
@KerreWoodham Dear Santa let’s make it easier for you this year – NOTHING from the Shopping Channel.
@DawgBelly Lets make it a rule, whoever votes in #nzgt can’t vote in the general election.

Welcome to Auckland
@josiecampbell I’ve been looking for a house for almost a week now, and I still haven’t found one. Getting into the property market is hard!
@TophHooperton Pull up at a red light. Man in the next car leans out the window for a cheeky vom. Welcome to Henderson.
@ginblossom If you did the Auckland Marathon this morning, well done. I’ve just woken up, so we’ve all achieved something today.

Welcome to Christchurch
@beckeleven Just saw people in the park doing sit ups with a hunk of rubble as the extra ballast.

Stay classy, New Zealand
@lmfbs I dropped a bottle of ranch sauce & it broke. The smell make me throw up in my dishwasher. So, how do you clean puke out of a dishwasher?
@eliterate Small boy wants to know what the ducks are doing. Ahem. It’s spring. They are… ducking.
@CyrisXD Ironically the Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
@Mellyski I haven’t closed my curtains in my room in months, I change in my room. Peeping toms who are into flat chested midgets would love it.
@rosiecd Mr 2 just did a fart so big he turned round and checked floor behind him.
@vegrandis Even when you’re having an ugly fat day remember,there’s always a pervert out there, touching himself in the bushes who’ll find u attractive
@AnnaGConnell Have a thigh high split up one side of my muumuu. Basically Angelina Jolie right now.

Stay classy, Facebook
‏@paulbrislen for some reason Facebook thinks I’d be interested in lingerie. I hardly ever WEAR lingerie so I’m puzzled.
@nikkitheknitter Haaaaahahaha Watching someone on FB give unsolicited advice to 40 wks pregnant woman. Explosion of rage in 3…. 2…. 1…
@TophHooperton I just hid a Facebook ad for rubber shoes with individual toes for being sexually explicit.

Stay classy, PinkDeedle
@pinkdeedle Catholic upbringing 0. Libido 2.
@pinkdeedle Honestly. Third iPhone lost to toilet.
@pinkdeedle I’m like “ha ha 2 year old I tricked you into having medicine” she’s all “ha ha joke’s on you I threw it all up in bed”.

Sending the Old Mout Cider prize pack @beckeleven‘s way this month – living in a hap-hazard earthquake zone sucks, but cider is awesome. Sorted.

It’s that time: The best Kiwi tweets of September 2012 are right here!

Awake
@beekaynz I was woken at 5:40am by three little words to warm my heart “Doing poo, Mummy”.
@gurrlwithacurl 5.20am is brought to you by the dulcet tones of the cat fight.

Stay Classy!
@DomHarvey Dom: I see you have my book in store. Have you sold any yet? St Lukes Whitcoulls: Let me just check the computer……..no.
@JaredNeilsen Glade has ruined walking in parks! The smell of fresh cut flowers now reminds me of restrooms…
@astruc I wish breasts weren’t on your chest but on your neck, so you’d always have a pillow to lean your chin on
@_HannahTweets_ Also. I think that if your razor head breaks completely off when you attempt to shave your legs you should probs just remain celibate.
@pinkdeedle I like to think of my @TradeMe feedback as my sex feedback. “delivers goods promptly!” “fast and friendly. Highly recommended”. “A+”.
@liltoastfairy Listening to one child threaten to “actually shit on you. Using real poos” should probably get up now
@UrzilaCarlson I can get a fart out without squeezing!

Lost in Translation
@daihenwood The upside of not speaking the language of the country you are in means you get very good at charades. Although my mime for mouthwash… mmmm
@AliIkram Given the PMs accent almost committed us 2 a war last week his decision not to raise Pussy Riot with Putin is wise.

NZ tweets
@mikokiko Hey snobby lady. Ohakune called. They want their carrot back.
@LOLGASMS I want a coke bottle with my name on it. But alas, my name is not Hemi or Tavita, so I’ll have to go without
@BitchAboutDevo Lol the Takapuna Grammar kids are glaring at us cause we took the back row of the bus fuck off we have NCEA L3

This is the modern age
@nzmikewilson To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.
@RachelRayner Lady at next table, upon receiving her cocktail: “Whoa, shit! That’s an intagrammer!”
@angusbhodgson HELP. HOW DOES ONE TURN OFF THEIR OWN SECURITY ALARM. I’VE RUN OUTSIDE AND STARTED TWEETING. THAT’S NOT WORKING.
@Kiwi_Chatter My latest follower is 13 and a christian. Do I block her for her sake?
@paulbrislen I write about telcos, and get ten replies. Copyright gets me 20. Tell everyone about my cat… 350+. You guys are weird.
@jacindaardern Very serious man in an air force uniform next to me on plane instantly looks less serious when his iPad comes out for a round of angry birds
@meganebs So uh, Peaches and Cream sell sex toys and Peaches and Creme sell yarn. Thanks for that moment of confusion, Google.
@TaneBufton Hey auto correct, quit tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

Best use of a hashtag:
@cjlambert quick other banks! *cue rolling thunder switch campaigns #blackhorsedown

The name I pulled out of the hat (thanks, @VinLew) this month was @paulbrislen – Paul, you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂