Best Tweets: November 2011

Without any fanfare, here are your Kiwi tweets of the month! Enjoy 🙂

Kids and their parents: Stay Classy
LouDxx OMFG! Reading @CateOwen‘s tweets of the month and missed my baby’s first roll!
BexieLady Pregnant Oversharer has posted 3 times today already that she can’t wait to hold her baby. at 13.5 weeks she’ll be waiting a while…
gnat Mr 12 just told me the best thing in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamination of their women.
sineadboucher Parents really need to get their Santa stories straight. A slight deviation in the neighbours’ version and kid CSI ensues
paulapenfold Maia: “Mum, I need your signature on this” (school trip form) Me: “I’m busy, ask Dad” Maia: “Dad, can you put mum’s signature on this”
TophHooperton You guys have a lot of kids with avant-garde names. Sure “Miss 8” sounds cool now, but what about when she’s 62? THINK PEOPLE.

We are the People of Twitter
amiewee I love how many people immediately thought of me when they saw inflatable sumo suits on a daily deals website.
wenuwish Just dropped my iPad on my face. well that woke me up.
kittengloves Ok, there seems to be some confusion between “Drunk Lauren” and “Spiritual Lauren”.
_lisasaurus @ChangHung23 if you want kids let me know. always wanted an asian baby, considered stealing one but may get locked up for that.
smrtgirl never drinking again … until next time I do … but definitely not today …
Tarquin_Death Set of summer-themed word magnets has appeared at work. Words include ‘long,’ ‘hot’ & ‘rod’ (for fishing). Doubt I will be allowed near them
pinkdeedle I hate when people txt you and they say “I’m in your house” and you can’t remember if u picked your undies up off the floor or flushed…
HungryandFrozen Still find it funny how on Twitter I can unthinkingly, casually tweet a celeb, when in person I’d be all “H-HI YOU’RE SO WOW” at best.
robtreacher If I die before the 1st of December, for fuck’s sake, please shave this moustache off me #movember
not_friends Sitting in bed, eating chips, writing about how diet and exercise contribute to obesity
Sophie_Kingston Made a pass the parcel tonight, it really is harder that it looks
Xenojay Rocking out at my desk to Rihanna’s “What’s My Name” because I have a vagina like that
brenasmith Did someone turn up the gravity?
CoryJane1080 Here’s the thing… I’m cool with swimming in my undies but the ones I have on are white.
clumsydolly Fell into sandwich board sign in street. Got stuck on it and rode it like a hobby horse until someone helped me off. Winning? Not so much.
jonohutchison Will the police search TV3 today? Not sure, but might strip down to my underwear pre-emptively so everyone knows I’m not hiding the tea tape
jethrocarr OMFG this office chair hurts my ass more than that drunken night on K Rd that never, ever, happened and would never be spoken of again.

Keep calm and carry on
katemcenaney Putting a clear sticky cover on your iPhone is serious business – guy at Mac store told me to go home, relax and put it on in a calm place.
donkey So, the Theory of Relativity means that time passes more slowly when you spend it with your relatives?
Covlin Do people who constantly ask “PLZ RT” also just walk up to random people asking for a pash?
nzJayZee There’s a size 6 for women in NZ fashion? How are you not dead? Eat foods.
SpeelyFreaking On top of ‘Attending’, ‘Not Attending’ and ‘Maybe Attending’, Facebook added the RSVP option ‘Pretending I Haven’t Seen This Event’.

Ahh New Zealand
gtiso I don’t think I had ever seen six tui in our garden before. (The collective noun, by the way, is a yearight of tui.)
mikokiko Got a letter from ministry of justice for parking fines. I owed 34c.
TophHooperton I wonder if I should tell that lady that she has a squashed cockroach on her back.
glennzb Who the hell decorates their Christmas tree with a HELICOPTER? I feel reckless if one of the kids gets on a kitchen chair to do the star
philwalter Any idea when Easter Eggs will be in stores?
TroyRF I fear I may have caught the “hygiene optional” bus this afternoon
meaglee You know it’s going to be an interesting night when some drunk girl shows you her vagina
lmfbs At breaking dawn. Theatre smells like vomit already.
Hilary_Barry It’s always fun to come home and find the hubby half way through 3 News. “Hils, look at this!” Yeah love, seen it
benjamintelfer Walked in on a guy blow-drying his wang in the gym changing rooms.
mrbrownsbag So two bleeding noses, four destroyed relationships and one broken arm later, I’m ready to call this workshop a success.
kittengloves #Fact I once went to a wedding where the “walking out” music was the Home And Away theme.
JaredNeilsen Homeless guy walks down road toward me, stops and asks “is that Church open?” I say “I’m not sure.” Him: “find out, you need help”

The Naked and Famous
Vegrandis Someone asked me if I was the asian chick from Naked&Famous and I was like “Yeah, the PORNO, not the band.” NOT THE BAND. I have integrity.

The election, as told by Twitter
Slanecartoons Someone must stand as “John Keys”, and split the stupid vote
wenuwish Its nice to see the election billboards showing their support for movember.
annagconnell Some Key People just knocked on the door. Took perverse pleasure in answering the door with no bra on.
kittengloves Attention Hipsters: DO NOT VOTE IRONICALLY.
bobsyauncle I want a politician to fill me with the same respect & wonderment I see in my kids when I make a farty sound with my hand & armpit
snappy_nz Just sat a multi choice quiz on politics down at the local school. Pretty sure I aced it.
hollyrwalker OMG guys, I think I just got elected to Parliament!
nzrckstr I REALLY want John Banks to become the Minister overseeing Len Brown. What fun!!
jonohutchison My Twitter feed yesterday: HOORAY, DEMOCRACY! My Twitter feed today: SCREW YOU, DEMOCRACY

Kiwi Tweet(er) of the Month, brought to you by Old Mout Cider

Old Mout CiderThis month there was no one tweet that got a stand out number of nominations… But there was a tweeter who did.

Congrats kittengloves – you got nominated more than anyone else, so this month you are crowned Tweeter of the Month! Make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case 🙂

Best Tweets: October 2011

New Zealand had an epic month – for some good, and some not-so-good reasons. Here are your AWESOME October tweets!

Oh, internet!
I love how the internet makes everybody an expert on everything.
Blog comment: “I’ve read better articles in youtube comments.” Pretty sure this means I’ve made it!
Seeing as New Zealand is a sheep nation, we should really refer to our Twitter posts as “bleats”.
Ohgod. Drunk replied to people at 2am on the work social media accounts. It doesn’t look too bad, though I did call someone ‘honey’.

Some people are rad
I love random deliciousness from strangers. Called a wrong number today and said sorry. ‘Don’t be sorry,’ said whoever it was. ‘Be happy.’

We may have a tiny issue with alcohol
TrendsAuckland ‘hangover’ is now trending in Auckland
LachlanForsyth This morning in the Newsroom I’ve found a crutch, a sleeping bag, 5 metres of bubblewrap & a metal detector. Things must have got craaa-zy…

The Rena
RachelRayner Who’s in charge of cleaning up the birds after Rena? DO THEY NEED TINY PENGUIN VESTS? I AM READY TO STEP UP.
Now I know where that garbage scow from Kevin Costners’ Waterworld ended up. Repainted and renamed Rena

That RWC thing is done and dusted…
Let’s face it 10k is getting off lightly for advancing on a Haka considering what punishment would have been pre 1840
Passed a house with five All Blacks flags on the fence. Not impressed, needs more.
madeleinesami It’s like The Lion King… but with a gold cup instead of Simba
I think one of the French Coaches might be wearing a fake mustache
OMG Graham Henry’s face went from this >:-( to this I:-I
K Road is already getting busy ahead of the RWC2011 final. There were only two piles of vomit and one blood splatter near Supper Club too!
Quote from my sister: There’s too many Cocks in this game. Woodcock, Pocock, Quade Cooper…
Slade off with a FUCKING sore GROIN?!?! What are these boys doing at night?!?!
‘Oh my balls hurt, I can’t play games anymore’. Well at least he has a backup career as a heat pump.
Ordered a takeaway All Black by accident instead of a long black. That’s twice now.
at least Mike Tindall had a good holiday.

(and a serious one!)
VickyRF Husband watching live, Dad watching in China, Grandad & Uncle watching in England, & Grandpa watching in USA. International family is united

… And now the election looms
I’ve decided to start a young wing of NZ First. Open to anyone between 15 and 65. Let me know if you’re keen.
I feel least inclined to vote in this election of any, ever. Pity that No Confidence isn’t an option, like in student politics.
Winston Peters is back in Tauranga. That’s two old wrecks the town has to worry about
“Building a Better Future”: Did the National Party really not see the problem with adopting the motto of every evil movie corporation ever?

On being healthy with food
Eating pineapple lumps for lunch is considered 1 of my ‘5 a day’s’ right?
I’ve got a bowl of leftover cream cheese icing. Dairy knowledge-keepers, can I freeze it? Already explored the “try eating it all” option

I are awesome!
Went to PB Tech to get new monitor and asked the guy for “one of those USB thingies”. Good thing he doesn’t know I’m an IT journo
Went for a run. Wondered why everyone was looking at me strangely. Now realise I still have the fake blood on my neck from last nights party.
Can’t wait for my bonus to come through in a month. I think I only have one pair of undies that doesn’t have holes.
arrrgh. just ended a really important business call with “thanks babe”
I found my phone! Which I previously thought lost during the weekends celebrations. But no, was in the back of my wardrobe. WTF drunk Ben?!
I wouldn’t have thought I was gay enough to spend 45 minutes picking the right neck tie for dinner, yet here I find myself.
That awkward moment in the library when lube falls out of your bag
Do not stab yourself accidently in the face with sharp scisssors. It bleeds A LOT

Home and Away reminds me of Jurassic Park, but without the dinosaurs.
To the woman reading erotic fiction on the bus at 7.30 this morning…. Why?
Followed by the @tokyo_gayfinder. Couple of small issues with that.
I hope foreigners aren’t watching Police Ten 7 and Motorway Patrol or they will think we are a country of absolute muppets
Is it bad if you find yourself attracted to a zombie? … I’m asking for a friend

Life, eh?
Someday you’ll be a beautiful swan. Just not today. Or any time soon.
went to see The Help today with my boy. Heart wrenching and deep and sad and all that, but gotta say, makes me want a maid.
Would be keen to watch “this is your life” if it was a judgemental version that surprised failures live on TV and asked ‘THIS is your life?
I think I’m going to edit some of my favourite dolphin footage to some of my favourite trance tracks and then watch it heaps
you know something is wrong with society when daily deal sites start offering discount vouchers to strip clubs.
Just got asked for ID to buy a bowl of fries.
I refuse to go bungee jumping, I came into this world because of a broken rubber. I will NOT leave the same way!
You can pretty much guarantee that when someone says “I am not meaning to be rude” that they are in fact meaning to be rude.
Watching a spider being milked on TV. I need a life.
First prize in my kids’ school raffle is a 1996 Toyota Levin (with mags!). Don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Just seen 5 women power walking along ponsonby rd with, 2 walking poles each. You’re going to get chai lattes ladies, not climb Everest.
Decided in Warehouse Stationery office stamps would be better with “motherfucker”: FAXED MOTHERFUCKER; YOUR A/C IS OVERDUE MOTHERFUCKER.
I can’t help but notice that a lot of the warriors fans are missing teeth…

I may regret putting these on my website… but VAGISIL
Vagisil… because you’re funky. And not in a good way.
I know I always associate vaginal odour (whatever that means) with spagetti bolognese and a glass of wine.
you haven’t lived until your child has asked you “who is going to be smelling it anyway”

Parents gone feral
Mum: your tits look like a national geographic cover. Put a bra on for fucks sake.
Days like today you can understand what makes some species eat their young.

Kids: Some people really like them!
I love how infectious the pure joy of children is. Spent two hours with my little ladies today, been full of undentable happiness ever since
Every morning as they go to school I tell my kids “Come home with a full brain” and they shout back “And an empty lunchbox”. Bliss
miss 2 brought me breakfast in bed – a bottle of wine. She loves me.

So those are your tweets of the month! I’m going to start working on the NZ Social Media honours list soon, so keep an eye out when I ask for your votes!

Best Tweets: September 2011

It’s that time again – time for the best Kiwi tweets of the month!

Party time in NZ! Drinking! Woop!
bobsyauncle I’m not as think as you drunk I am
pinkdeedle Success!!!! Woke up in my own bed.
cadetdory It tastes like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up.
BRONNINATOR My god, all the french men with cocks on their shirts. Delicious.

RWC2011(Trademark IRB, no infringement intended. This blog is in no way affliated with the RWC, IRB, sponsors or partners)
Kiwi_Chatter Do we warn all the #RWC2011 tourists about Hamilton?
Andrew_Mulligan Oh look! Sonny Bill is on the front page of the Herald. I haven’t seen that since yesterday’s edition.
BabeAtSea It’s painful to watch the whipping we’re giving Japan. Maybe half the AB’s could go off, to make it more of a challenge?
ManStanMatt BREAKING: McCully has appointed himself as All Blacks trainer to prevent a repeat of this week’s series of injuries.
melhomer Just passed a huge tree near Eden Park with lots of flags in it. And a road cone. And a deck chair.
JonoHale Looks like every lamppost in Levin had a RWC flag! There must be at least 4 of them!!! #onlyjokingthereisabout50
VegasNZ I dont have Rugby World Cup fever yet but I imagine i have to get it from an official supplier.
annagconnell Just filtered ‘rugby’, ‘rwc’, #rwc, ‘rugby world cup’, ‘all blacks’ out of my feed. It went blank.

Kiwi Tweets: The X Factor edition
TophHooperton Whenever it cuts to a black and white freeze frame on X Factor I always say in a sombre voice ‘and then they aaaallll died’.
evilkud Hairy cleavage was the real winner of that audition
Twonetweet Is it normal to sob your way thru x factor? Just checking
MelenieNZ What is going on with these contestants? It’s like they were all recruited from a psychiatrist’s waiting room.
The_Vonk Oh jeezus they’re letting it through

Kiwi Tweets: The Coro edition
jv_nz Uh ohhh… Channel 1 is moving Coronation St to make way for Masterchef Australia. There’s gonna be a mutiny! A really slow, dusty mutiny.

Kiwi Tweets: The Vagisil edition
SpeelyFreaking The first rule of Vagisil club is: you don’t talk about Vagisil club. Probably obvious, but I thought I’d share it anyway.
Vegrandis Vagisil ad “when you feel fresh, you feel confident.” ohh so that’s why i’m too scared to ask boys out, cos my cunt isn’t fresh

Technology makes life better..?
BexieLady When will twitter stop suggesting I follow douchebags? Twitter, you have terrible taste in men sometimes.
Kiwiseabreeze Saw a “No more Tangles” ad on FB. totally thought it said “No more Triangles…” #downwithtriangles
HungryandFrozen “what band is this?” “it’s xyz, you like?” “no I just wanted to get the name right so I can complain about it on twitter”…
AdrianwithaW “Student Loan. Stuudent Looan. Student Loan. S.t.u.d.e.n.t.L.o.a.n. Stuudeenntt Llooaannn” – Colleague talking to automated IRD call service
allstarangel Downside of a 10 year old having a phone. They text you at 6am to tell you they are awake. Had to censor what I sent back.

Noms-related tweets
KimChisnall At Fonterra briefing for new CEO. Again no chocolate milk on offer! What gives!
kittengloves Success is: getting to the end of the party and still having an unopened bag of Twisties.
PaMelville @amiewee like cake through the hourglass, these are the cheesecakes of our lives

shazndolly went to the @trelisecooper sale today…the one thing that I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted was in a size 8. Great. No dinner for me. This year
VinLew I think I’m going through menopause…
robtreacher Jeebus, just caught a glimpse of my body in the mirror. That satellite isn’t the only thing being adversely affected by gravity
CNell_NZ Best part of Titanic? “Kate Winslet’s taking her robe off! OMG I’m about to see her boobs! Hooray boo– [camera change] GOD DAMMIT.”
beekay77 Poor misunderstood Steve Crow. He’s just concerned about my right to walk down the streets with my boobs out.

NessOldfield Just emailed someone to tell them that the cat needs to be desired….it was meant to be desexed. When spell checking goes wrong.
chadirl @TyeTyeee whats a nun? is it a breed of dog?
RachelRayner Getting trapped in ones cami is significantly less embarrassing when it happens in the privacy of ones own bedroom.
normanstrange Don’t fucking come into my store and say the other guy knows more than me. I know more about your shit phone than you do.
benjamintelfer Soo, I just walked in on my flatmate getting a BJ in the bathroom.
feefeebofaye Omg dying here! M11 was telling me about cleaning up his school and how the teachers told them if they find any congdongs not to touch them

guywilliamsguy Normally I wouldn’t steal a car or a handbag but now, based on my success with movies, I’m kind of thinking I should give it a crack.
RyanSproull I sometimes feel I’m waiting for the opportunity to say, “I’ll pay you a retainer,” and bounce an orthodontic device off someone’s chest.
MoataTamaira Just realised why the Arrow, generic pharmaceuticals ads are so hideously painful… They sell painkillers.
00k Here’s a quick test: what are the opposites of these six words? Always. Coming. From. Take. Me. Down.

Best Tweets: August 2011

Animals and things

thisfog: How adorable is that little “Phew” sound cats make when you get your clothes back on after bathing?
AliIkram: Someone needs to feed the Cougars at the Viaduct before the RWC they might scare off the tourists

Children and things

kittengloves Back to school lunches. Against my advice 7yo has made himself a gherkin and jam roll.
DomHarvey Mum to kid on street in Vegas: “FUCK UP!” Black woman within earshot of the encounter: “daaaaamn” I love America
rosiecd It is horrible to look at your child and KNOW you will have to bail them out of jail one day
lilyandalma Went out with a mcdonalds toy pinned to my head. Forgot it was there until I looked in a shop window. #mummyfail

Snow tweets!

Tarquin_Death New theory about the ongoing extreme cold snaps: Happy Feet is a penguin wizard making NZ more like his icy home
jackelder Snowing hard in Miramar at the moment. A number of world-class VFX artists are running around the carpark going “woooooo” and waving arms.
leahisaninja Dear New Zealand, Hello. Love, Antarctica. PS, whoosh.
stephenfry NZ has, bless it, gone officially mad. First snow in Auckland since the 30s. Children running along with open mouths to taste the flakes 🙂
JenLongshaw Twin lambs born just a couple of hours ago in paddock next door. Poor little sods- they have no idea what they’re in for. #Storms #Stews


farmgeek Forget young beneficiaries, what about all the retirees wasting their dosh on small dogs, finance companies and NZ First donations?

The Big Pink Fist of Abstinence

LachlanForsyth This abstinence stuff is going to ruin the fine reputation that generations of kiwi backpackers have worked so hard to create.
watershitdown i wonder if the pink fist will end up on trademe on $1 reserve


tanya OH: “Yeah Pak ‘n’ Save Mt Wellington, you don’t wanna pick up chicks there…”

From the ‘are you serious?’ files

bookemdanno Seriously – limited edition rugby world cup nappies? Jesus H rollerblading Christ.
annagconnell 9 times out of 10, ‘Wakey Wakey hands off snakey’ is the first thing that pops into my head in the morning. Thank you Grandad.
jinnee79 Glad I managed to miss Dad and his friends at erotica. Coulda been awkward, they came Friday night.

From the ‘everything went better than expected’ files

brenasmith LOLs at our teenage neighbours planning the big noisy party last night. About 9pm they were looking munted and never heard a peep.
juhasaarinen Always feel surprised that I cheated death and injury after each Auckland commute.
SpeelyFreaking @cadetdory but you tweet really well for a retarded person. Good going 🙂
RobSuisted “Come around & we’ll take it out on a 12 year old” set me back a moment until I realised it was about scotch

First world tweets

vaughndavis My colleague in Switzerland has just confirmed she can make our meeting in Rome. I’m James fucking Bond, me.
sachalnf: Whoa. My brother just called me (on my cellphone) from upstairs to tell me to turn the tv off downstairs. LAZY.
mitchyyyyy There’s no honey for my toast. Brb crying.
robkidd that awkward moment when you realise someone actually read one of your tweets.

Herp Derp

kiwieric Ah crap. My brain just Rick Rolled itself.
NanaJ9 It has become very obvious that my personality doesn’t actually start to formulate until that first cup of coffee in the morning.

NZGeekGirl‘s Very Bad Day

Oh no, just been called, we’be been burgled. Holiday may be over.
Aiming to drive back tonight, police to fingerprint. I wish this was a joke. Think my wedding rings are probably gone.
Hey everyone, yes thankfully we have insurance. My wedding rings and meds are also safe. On our way home now.
Dear car in front, When the cop overtakes you then it’s a safe bet you’re going too slow.
Hmmm. We’re suddenly not spending a whole lot on accommodation. Perhaps a post burglary cheer me up pressie? Yarn? Maine Coon? Both?
If they stole the laptop, how long do you think until the discover the keyboard don’t work from a rat peeing on it?
Oh boy, another devastating thought….what if they found our “naughty” draw? 
OMG they did find the naughty draw.

Best Tweets: July 2011

July’s been a big month for Kiwis online. NZ gained another global meme, thanks to Cameron Leslie. Top Model continued to take over the Twitterverse. @BexieLady gained Klout in “sausages” – wait, what?

Cos being online is awesome
BexieLady Klout still says I am influential about sausages. Wonderful.
MoataTamaira Everyone in office now looking up their unicorn names. My work here is done.
iamkateharley I got banned from trademe because I took more than 3-5 working days for me to send a 60 yr old man his marykate & ashley dvd.
tarasutherland search terms to find my blog: getting high off codral, auckland fucking city, why is masturbation called masturbation, the letter p. :-/
Nightwyrm If anyone hears uncontrollable sobbing, it’s just me opening my work emails.

Some old school media
nzmovieguy Taxi driver is telling me about his letter to the editor. He’s pulled out the newspaper to look for it. Yes, the car is in motion.
danslevin Just bought my first newspaper in weeks. The fire needed lighting.
iChild Lots of crying on #NZNTM tonight. Anyone else think the girls have synchronized their cycles?

New Zealand, owl!
DavidSlack What you must always do is blow on your pie, finish your set and cook the man some eggs. #NZRulesToLiveBy

Oh, life
nzmovieguy A man just walked by me and said to the lady with him “some by birth, some by choice”. Not entirely sure what he meant by that.
andrealessi That awkward moment when you can no longer tell the difference between artfully styled hipsters and unwashed engineering students.
Nightwyrm People who book 12.30 meetings deserve their own special place in hell.
Vegrandis If you have 10E/10F boobies there are some good $3 bras (marked down from like $80) at BNT at Dressmart lolol, also, congrats on the body.
kittenypentland This year I have taken to wearing a scarf so it needs to be stated for the record: if I’m found strangled it was clumsiness not auto-erotica
TheNoemi Getting legs waxed. #ouch why do I do this again? That’s right, I don’t want to scare the children when we go to thermal pools.
vaughndavis Just texted my wife: “Fucking nanny!” do I need to follow up and explain this was a grumble and not a status update?
elpie Who knew that SkyTV boxes could catch fire if cats sleep on them? I didn’t, but do now.

fleurtee Got a little worried when reading Mr6’s story “Spiderman you cunt….” pretty sure he meant can’t, should probably correct him on that one!
SpeelyFreaking Currently stuffing cold mashed potato into an envelope addressed to Africa. Why? Because stubborn parenting is how I roll.
SheldonNesdale My 2yo son has taken to yelling across the house using my wife’s first name. Who the heck did he learn that from?
MrsKateLincoln I think we’ve turned the smallchild into a JAFA. Only 20 months old & has requested to go out for coffee.

Some people are a worry!
PebblesHooper is cocaine a carb?
AdageBusiness oops neighbours just asked me to turn music down … told them I will when the move their bedhead away from the wall got a blank look
ryansallan Royal Oak roundabout is dangerous as fuck. Especially when trying to tweet.
tauhenare Do not lick the knife that you used in the hot hot fudge until it has cooled down. #recipes #fudge #hotknife

Best Tweets: June 2011

Some of you made the list twice. Don’t go getting ideas, though. You may want to read your tweets first.

Hit-on of the month?

AliIkram @NZTopModelColin mate u r the most beautiful thing out there and I’m not even into chaps #NZNTM

Life’s little moments

TophHooperton Oh dear god. Reason not to tweet snarky things at a web conference. It’s broadcast on a GIANT screen.
AlastairBoyes One thinks I shouldn’t be able to hear the headphones of a guy 3 seats down with my own on.
supergibbo trust Apple 2 make a item so desired u have 2 jump through hoops to get 1. Feel rejected now like being denied @ a Bluelight Disco
Hilary_Barry It’s hard to keep a straight face with the weatherman talking about “a finger of high pressure.” I saw one of those on the motorway today.
davidfarrier found a long girls hair on my toothbrush which is weird because no girls have been here. maybe it’s a horse hair
AaronBeardNZ Really wish the TV countdown family would adopt David Bain.
kittengloves There are 2 certainties in life: 1. Death. 2. A whole draw full of plastic containers and lids THAT DO NOT MATCH.
aaronmorton I have had it with these motherfuckin’ quakes on this motherfuckin’ (Canterbury) plain! #eqnz
samfromwgtn* From AMEX: “Thanks for applying… regretfullly unable to offer you membership… your personal income does not meet requirements.”
*TradeMe founder who sold the business for a reported $300 million

Kids, eh?

kimmmillwood Miss8: “I love your sway-ey bits. You know, the soft wobbly parts.” No more hugs for that child.
SpeelyFreaking There was a queue outside our bathroom this morning. I think I need more bathrooms… or less children. Whatever.
Covlin Apparently my little cousin got confused after his teacher gave him a red sticker. Teacher wasn’t meaning to declare him damaged. #eqnz.
Tarquin_Death Toddlers are the only people who actually enjoy seagulls. Maybe that is the point of seagulls

Just another day in the office

mikekooge Our office has decided on who will play who in a movie – Vaughan: Jack Black, Clint: Zac Efron, me: Paul Giamatti. Thanks everyone, really.
amiewee That awkward moment at a porn shoot when the rose petals catch fire
TeArahi_Maipi Just got asked for a phone interview on the train. Would have done it but it’s in Maori and someone might think I’m a terrorist. Call back

Animals. Why do we bother?

NZGeekGirl Have now shut the hung over cat in the bathroom with a litter box, she can come out once it’s all over.
velofille Only one thing worse than hearing a cat puke up next to your bed at 3am, hearing the other cat ‘clean’ it up

I am awesome

TophHooperton Sometimes I wish I could give myself a high five and not look ridiculous.
bobsyauncle That moment when you go to push your glasses up the bridge of your nose, but you’re not wearing them today & poke yourself in the eye
philbilbrough Just emailed myself. And then I didn’t understand what I was asking for.
TangThang just realised that I’ve been studying for the wrong exam and that the exam is at 2pm not 12….. well 2 hours to get me some MAJOR study
WayneLikesPie Just polished off a jar of crushed garlic.
bobsyauncle Giving blood & a nurse tells me I’m “a perfect specimen”. I know what she really meant

Oh, Twitter

m00ps Expanding a link to reveal another shortened url is like the shittest game of Pass the Parcel ever.
ErinJackson Twitter: are you suggesting I follow someone is similar to me cos they have the same last name, or is it the Amish-style beard?
GreerMcDonald Note to self: re-read hashtags before you send. #ladieswhoreport quickly becomes… yeah, well.

Best Tweets: May 2011

Without any ado, here are your best Kiwi tweets of May 2011…

Stay classy

paulapenfold Misread new follower @bouncingpom as “bouncing porn”, which conjured up images in my mind that aren’t needed at lunchtime on a Tuesday.
TV2BOY Overheard on the 6th Floor. “I’m not asking you because you’re Asian. But do you know anything about Origami?”
jonohutchison Someone broke into gf’s car overnight; stole a bottle of sparkling grape juice. Keeping an eye out for disappointed-looking alcoholics today
RyanSproull NZ has been ranked second most peaceful country in the world, after Iceland. Watch your back, Iceland. We’re coming for you.
beekay77 Just heard “junkie” as John Key. Sentence still made sense.
muffinmum If you are mid 50’s & were in Petone at lunch time with skin tight jeans, top tip: readjust your tackle in the loo rather than middle of cafe
monique_TV3 Oz Woman’s Weekly boasts royal Wedding coverage including “private touching moments”. Perhaps marketing team need to learn about commas.

I’m not the smarterest

philwalter I suggested that the current wife be a good mother and make me and the children breakfast. I may have overplayed that hand.
mrbrownsbag So declaring a fake sick day via twitter does NOT go down well with the boss. I’ve suggested I take the day off to think about what I’ve done.
cadetdory Tired. Just turned the light off and then spent several seconds trying to figure out why the room had gone dark.

The Rapture

MoataTamaira Hm. So boyfriend has been invited to The Rapture via Facebook but I have not.
rosiecd Is Rapture happening on a rollout? Or greenwich mean time? Just want to plan my weekend.

Universal truth

Vegrandis Unitard – the garment with the power to make you look like its name!
trisclayton I’d like to sniff Peter Dunne’s hair. I think it would smell of cinnamon and integrity.
pipkeane 6 adults. 3 kids and nobody can work DVD player

Yes, this is my life

ErinJackson Strange. Very angry ex fiancé™ just texted me to alert me that if I don’t use my qantas points within 18 months they expire.
rhysiedarby Busy writing to fans. They haven’t written to me, I’m just taking the first step in hopes of some replies
antsgardiner I just noticed that my block of cheese has teeth marks in it. I guess I got quite drunk last night.


WellywoodSign Why so serious Wellington? Its not like I’m killing kittens
annagconnell You know what would make the wellywood sign even better? Comic sans.

Best Tweets: April 2011

The best Kiwi Tweets of April 2011

Life is good

RachSmalley Mum’s arrived up from ChCh with a hacksaw in her luggage. She said “I just thought some of your trees could do with a trim.”
CathyKoo I know it’s how they became mums in the first place but the Happy Mother’s Day signs in sex shop windows are creeping me out.
Stitchpunk Dear Weight Watchers, please take Your email guide to Easter and fuck right off. Kthxbai
JaneLuscombe At a Hawaii party. Among the myriad of loud shirts and leis is a sole soul dressed as a ham and pineapple pizza
sophlyon Man on train underlining passages from The Da Vinci Code quite ferociously. Slightly unnerving. Red pen too.
bobsyauncle Bear Grylls just vomited up his raw goats testicle. He’s getting soft
Vegrandis Bitch it’s 12 items or LESS. It doesn’t mean you can do two transactions, it defeats the purpose. I will slap you.

We are New Zealand

stevebiddle There are obviously plenty of people from out of town in Wgtn today. I’ve never seen so many foolish attempts to use an umbrella.
nicki_nz 45 km north of Hamilton and there are cars stopped beside the road and people with cameras. No idea why but we’ve joined them.
Motmunter “Sorry for the delay but we’re rushed off our feet, we’ve had 3 people in this morning” – Wanaka car rental lady.
hdpaONENEWS I’m pretty sure the PM just made up a word: mentoror. Sounds like a dinosaur.
RichieHMcCaw Most people get what’s coming to them. Unless it’s sent via NZ Post.


annagconnell Note to self – do not present the draft proposal that has ‘arghhhhhhhhhh fucky mcfuck sticks’ written into it. Your boss looks at you funny.
WendyWings GizmoNZ just had a YEAH I AM A DOG moment and ran head first into the wall, I am glad I am not a dog.
annelisevickery So, I want to do a cock pot meal tomorrow, takes 4 hrs in high, can I prep it all now and get the man to stick it on later?

This is Twitter!

TheNoemi When following someone new, it’s imperative for me to know where they’re from so I read their tweets in the correct accent on my head.
benjamintelfer Recently, I’ve had more cats request to see my tweets than people …

If you want to nominate a tweet for May, simply send the message URL to @CateOwen