Category: Tweets Of The Month

August: There were Olympic games, we discovered depresso, and New Zealand did not stay classy. Read on!

Life, eh?
@katjnz Inflation is clearly hitting the begging game. Just got asked if I had a spare $10.
@FrancesCook The Ministry of Justice has such peppy hold music. Almost makes the last half an hour less annoying.
@_HannahTweets_ I have some concerns about the amount of sequins I found in our living room this morning. Considering I live with boys.
@ajaystwtr Just watched the Call Me Maybe video for the first time. Did not expect that twist in the end. Gripping. Intense. A+++
@scuba_nurse I need to stop checking men out at a gay rights event… I’m an idiot
@kennewell Roasting a chicken. Because my life is a white-knuckle adventure ride of sin and degradation.
@MeghanMutrie New word: depresso. When you haven’t had your coffee yet.

Stay Classy!
@Meegandale83 Is it wrong to dislike Hayley Holt because she pashed Richie and all I got was a restraining order?
@_victoriajayne_ Oh Upper Hutt. The parade of leggings as pants, a bad dye job, illegitimate children with made up names and rolly cigarettes.
@TophHooperton FYI, when you say #ttrttpt, it just sounds like you ended your tweet by emitting a pretty sizeable and lengthy fart.
@MoataTamaira I might *read* “sent from my iPhone” but I’m *thinking* “sent from the toilet”.
@pinkdeedle If u accidentally hit your kid with a drawer just laugh and clap and pretend it’s a game. She may even get u to do it again.
@Naly_D Flatmate and I just taught the others how to make raisin whistles. You can tell the Decile 1 kids even as adults.
@vegrandis As a woman I was lead to believe that you could make strong men weep and take down cities with your vagina. >:[ I can’t even get free fries
@Kiwi_Chatter Had another back at high school dream. This time there were girls at Auckland Grammar which was great except I was my age now, not so good.
@JaneYee Superman may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I can catch baby vomit with my bare hands.
@ginblossom Just realised that talking ‘hands-free’ in the wine section of the supermarket, makes me look like I’ve hit rock bottom.

Ponderings
@chizchizchiz if you are a vegetarian for ethical reasons and have a cat or dog, do you still feed them meat products?!
@chavahkinloch Does your rubbish truck driver guy sit outside your driveway for 5 minutes and watch you unload your groceries? No? Just mine?
@DomHarvey Why is it that when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she’s a slut? But when a guy does it, all of a sudden he’s gay?

The Olympics
@AngeBloomfield Yay for Olympic Gold!! The new beef and lamb ambassador’s have been found!!
@Chris_Brain I watched NZ win 2 gold medals on my phone in a paddock & then ate potato chips that tasted like prawns. HG Wells was right about the future
‏@Nakiman Um um cos this is the summer Olympics “@AjARock: Could somebody please tell me why ice hockey is not an Olympic sport?!”
@josiecampbell No amount of training can prepare you for the Olympics. I stare at a screen at work, and even at home, but this is truly exhausting.
@TophHooperton THROW THE BALLS YOU BEAUTIFUL MASSIVE LADIES
@snappy_nz New Zealand now top the medals per exploding barbecues at fan bases table.
@TroyRF “The medal will be presented by His Royal Highness…” [girls shriek] “…Prince Faisal of Jordan.” [girls groan]
‏@DaveSmarty Black Caps get more coverage than a paralympics bronze for NZ in the news because the Black Caps are clearly way more disabled.

Politics
@GarethMP Just called Russian Embassy to say I’d be over today to hand over a Pussy Riot protest letter. In heavy Russian: ‘You want visa?’ LOL
@BexieLady Are we going to find out in a month or so that Colin Craig is Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character?
@richardboock wish maggie barry would follow her own advice: only comment on euthanasia once she’s tried it…
@kiaoraclint Parliament, and Parliament TV has all the makings of a hunger games. Lock the doors. Get Banks.

The name I pulled out of the hat (read: jabbed my finger at the screen until it landed on a name) this month was @ajaystwtr – so you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out 🙂

A big one this month – between the Olympics, your technology woes, and the old classic “stay classy” tweets, there’s a lot to love from July.

Tweets like these are why Twitter exists
@Dovil Breaking: Govt to sell Waitangi Tribunal.
@KatinEdinburgh Ugh. Hipster kid in Starbucks wearing a 1984 sweatshirt. I feel so old.
@Sezlinc You go to town, squeeze out a baby, get some sushi, come home & cuddle said baby. Voila!
@natstrats Nice new BMW lady, did no one show you where the indicators are? It’s inefficient for me to mouth “where are you going?” and you to point.
@aberopitini I woke up with a sock on my foot but there was no sock when I went to sleep.
@Kiwi_Chatter Not mentioning any names, but one of my wives shrunk my hoodie in the wash.
@JaredNeilsen Purchased a car via Turners in Jan, subscribed to their e-letter since. Subject line this month: “Sick of driving a heap of junk?” Um…
@di_twhitter Just found a rogue scrabble tile in the rug. Now have tile paranoia and am counting all tiles to assess the situation.

Technology, eh.
@ryansallan My iPhone just autocorrected ‘gay’ to ‘hey’. If it had gone for ‘Haaaaaaay’ I’d have been more impressed
@badtom I’m glad I stopped autocorrect from changing “maneater” to “manatee”. That could have been taken the wrong way.
@VinLew Oh TelstraClearNZ is popular in Mosgiel? I didn’t know they had electricity.
@steffenrusten FFS, do not email me to tell me that I’ve been unsubscribed from your email list.
@iChild Ah, nothing like unnecessary threatening emails from a Trade Me seller to start my day.
@antsgardiner Send email. Check I included the attachment. Re-send email.
@amiemccarron I think I will cross-stitch a paranoid android robot dreaming about apple eating his baby on the back of my iphone
@Tarquin_Death I’m getting Facebook ads for duty free booze, Ugg boots and McDonalds. South Auckland, I think I have your Facebook

Man Tweets
@structconz I’ve already used the word testicles in a sentence this morning. This week is going to be a good one.
@ryansallan The Lynx product stand at the chemist is almost sold out. I’m disappointed in my gender.

50 Shades of Yuck
@BitchAboutDevo I came home to find mum reading 50 Shades Of Grey. I blame all of you.
@SpeelyFreaking My tweets are exactly like 50 Shades Of Grey. Only lonely women read them.
@Batman_NZ Just watching a dude buy his young teenage daughter the 50 shades box set at the Warehouse in New Lynn.

Olympics!
@rhysiedarby BBC commentary: “The NZ rowers are a little rough around the edges.” – yeah that’s how we like it. We’ll wait for you at the finish bro.
@katie_skatie Oh, & Olympics Gods… thanks for making weightlifting terminology so fun. “In her snatch” is the best! Followed closely by the clean jerk!
‏@SylviaGiles I wanna spoon with some of these male gymnasts

What is a TOTM without a ‘Stay Classy, NZ’ section?
@Mamamsosweet One of my students just asked me how to write the pause sign… worked out he meant a comma
@philwalter Both the ladies in the house have Lady pains. Shoot me.
@xCaron I just picked a quality scab off my elbow… You’re welcome.
@Naly_D The neighbours have been drinking wine & keep laughing, it sounds like when i lived by the zoo & could hear the gibbons
@ColeyTangerina Brb just gonna shave my workmate.
@AnnaGConnell There’s a guy wearing a horse head playing ‘God Save the Queen’ on a clarinet on Queen St. Just thought you should know.
@TophHooperton That awkward moment when you make eye contact with the person stealing herbs from your front garden.

The person who got the most nominations this month was @ColeyTangerina – so you get that delicious Old Mout prize pack! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out. Congrats!

June’s tweets of the month include rollypolys, fracking, angry busdrivers and even a sealed section!

Our lovers and their judgements
@richardboock ‘you’ve got good legs’, says @boock_unedited, running an appraising eye over me. ‘just a pity about you stomach and face’… #shopping
@vegrandis I have horrendous taste in men. My type is: People who like me. I should know not to get with them, look at their taste in girls. Terrible.

The Breeders
@Nightwyrm At Chipmunks with what appears to be the entire child population of Tawa. I’ve truly entered a circle of hell.
@rosiecd Mr 6 challenged me to do a rolly poly. He would not wait till wine o’clock. I did one. I now understand why old peoples bones break.
@Polychromantics Oh God i just realised that when kids look at me they think I’m an adult

Stay Classy, New Zealand
@c_scotty Guy sitting next to me at the rugby has his iPhone sealed in a glad zip lock back… Also has a dirty mullet #betterlivingeverybody
@TroyRF Apparently I left the housekeys in the front door. Car still there, which means either a) Very lucky, or b) Undesirable car. Either’s good.
@VinLew I wish I had a photo of myself halfway through sneezing hot chocolate out my nose.
@melhomer Am contemplating buying sushi, undoing it and then redoing it so it looks home made for kids dance shared dinner. a new low.
@pinkdeedle Honestly if I had a pet turtle I’d just hold it and sob.
@RussellClarkNZ It is officially onesy season
@hdpaONENEWS The bus driver’s pausing at stops, opening the doors then shutting them before anyone walking towards the bus can reach it. I’m on his side.
@angusbhodgson William and Kate told Key that they’ll visit NZ at some point. Of course they did. As if they’d say no. John Key is our embarrassing uncle.
@el_stepho I just discovered my mum’s secret family recipe for Macaroni Cheese. She conveniently published it in the Edmonds Cookbook.
@DanRockNZ Seriously Twitter. I will NEVER follow Taylor Swift. Unless she gets naked. Then I will. For a bit.
@pinkdeedle Accidentally pashed a dog. Long story. Bull mastiff.

First World Problems
@Jacob_Mills If I was on the voice and only Jessie J turned around I’d be like sorry I’ll try again next time.
@amiewee Chased a hedgehog up someone’s driveway in the rain trying to get an instagram of it. Failed.
@thelittlepakeha someone has listed a giant centipede in the Pets > Other section of trademe. not even joking.
@paudecanela_nz to the person who got to my blog by searching for “sell my used panties – kerikeri”: don’t. just don’t.
@beekaynz Sorry? What was that? I can’t hear you over the rain hitting the windows like millions of demented moths round a lightbulb.
@Margie186 Doing lots of typing, deleting, not tweeting tonight.
@MsAngelaBeswick Same pose. Every photo.
@Chris_Brain Damn it. I left my Rihanna cd near my Chris Brown cd and now it’s all scratched.

In the workplace
@Hilary_Barry I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable saying “fracking” on the news, I just do.
@Nightwyrm Apparently skipping out the office door, cackling hysterically is not considered professional.
@Tarquin_Death Boyfriend Boss sends email w subject ‘can you load these gorgeous?’ I cc in client on reply & neglect to change subject. SO EMBARRASSED NOW
@JuliusMaskell In work toilets are you supposed to use the same cubicle each time or change it up?
@roxyleopold Listening to my work colleague talk about how much they hate butter. So confused.

AO content!
@amiewee OMFG loading a porno mag into Adobe Reader & telling it to ‘Read Out Loud’ is making me cry with laughter.
@chowda_head Lol. Someone on FB complaining about their kids. Females are sympathetic, male posts “should’ve swallowed”. Sorry. I did laugh at that.
@melhomer “hey mum what’s a blowjob?” well that just shut the conversation down in this car…..
@Stitchpunk Paper cut from a sanitary pad wrapper. That’s a bit bloody harsh.
@BexieLady @meaglee, would you still go to hanmer with me if I got bikini bottoms that look like my vagina area has teeth?

The lovely @AliCopeman drew @melhomer out of the hat, so both of you collect a cidery reward! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out.

May brought us a high-water mark for low behaviour when a creepy carpet cleaner was seen tugging violently at the fabric of decency during Target. May also brought us the 2012 Budget, with all of its hope despair politics. Here are your Kiwi tweets of the month…

Grinding our gears
@beanbiz That feeling when you get home and remember you’ve stashed a trashy food treat! Then realise it’s gone. Then you eat a baby’s rusk biscuit.
@ryansallan For the first time in my life, I think I lost a dance off. Not even mad, that guy was awesome.
@not_friends Today I was almost in a moderate traffic accident while belting out ‘Only The Good Die Young’ and I feel like that’s why I’m still here.
@emsaddis Oven went on fire before. Was going to take a picture, but then decided I better put the flames out.
@BigNateNZ GOT all sorted. Cheers regan. To the dick in the waiting room, music only heals when you don’t suck. Can’t sing or play guitar
@BexieLady Just managed to hit myself with my car. Fucking ow.
@guywilliamsguy “Can you die while boxing?” “Why are you asking?” “No reason.”
@littlemisspie Where can one buy road spikes and a gun? Asking for a friend.
@pinkdeedle I did ballet when i was 5 & I sat on the loo & pulled my leotard to the side to pee & then let go & peed up my back. Never did ballet again.
@GrowFromHereNZ Are there hallucinagins in the new Friskies
@hdpaONENEWS Searched the house top to bottom for my jeans. Then, found them in the freezer. Now too cold to wear.
@lmfbs Just made a delicious salad for dinner. Went to the toilet, came back to a happy looking cat with lettuce sticking out of his mouth.
@catspyjamasnz Woman on carriage been talking loudly to BF on phone for 15 mins, explaining how she prefers car travel. We wish she’d taken the car too…
@CateOwen If I could choose a superpower, it’d be to know troll’s real names. So when they troll I can be “I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, CLEETUS JONES”.

Of life, love, and LOLs
@not_friends I pretty much only have a boyfriend so that somebody favourites my tweets.
@Kittengloves Looking forward to bed so I can surprise warm up my frozen nose on my husband’s back.
@MeghanMutrie My neighbors are either shooting an ad for Viagara, or a pride of lions are taking down a zebra that just won’t die. Come on lions.
@manikpixi 16yo: Can we kidnap Gok Wan and keep him in our wardrobe? Me: But he came out if the closet years ago. 16yo: Ha! Good one mum!
@irihapeta Ha – Mr 16 still gets his birthday email from Buzz and Poppy. Maybe it’s time to unsubscribe.
@HungryAndFrozen Stockings are so unfairly expensive. Manufacturers, you’re not making artisinal Spanish ham here, just socks and underwear joined together.
@VickyRF Surrounded by people gracefully eating scrambled eggs with chopsticks and I drop my giant spoon on the floor.
@snappy_nz Turns out I’ve had a fruit burst in my suit jacket pocket for six months. I think I’ve ruined my suit.
@nicmclay Graveyard today: Me: this is where people r buried when they die, like the bird u found at kindy. Son: All these people flew into a window?
@Maorigirl3 Today I bent down to pick up my laptop bag and lost my balance as the elevator came to a stop. Fell into a stranger’s crotch. ‪#NiceToMeetYou
@RugbyIML Saw the main Maori guy from GC at St Lukes, he was with one of his Aunties. Actual Aunty.
@TophHooperton You pop into a public toilet and a man is standing there stark bollock naked washing his balls in the sink. Is that ok?
@Psygnal Great day today. Went to work. William Shatner was there. Had a great chat before he left with Daniel Craig. Might be hallucinating. #unwell

Class Acts
@pkstowers On Sydney flight sat next to man who imports corrosive acids, industrial lubricants & oils. Made bad joke about greasing wheels of industry.
@davidfarrier just wanted to thank all of you who’ve been sending me various great new human centipede images. i’d RT them but my mum reads this account
@hamfritta I fully agree with the reddit proposal to follow Gerry Brownlee around with a tuba, ala Family Guy.
@HungryAndFrozen Good thing Les Miserables is easily accepted in its shortened form as Les Mis, it’s like whoever coined it knew we’d tweet about it one day.
@SpeelyFreaking There’s a special place in he’ll for people that don’t proof-read.
@leslup awkward moment: realising yve said another guys name in yr sleep nd partner hears it, saving grace, character from star trek.
@Sportzfreak Wonder how Shane Jones will pass the time when stood down
@AliIkram just to clear up a bit of confusion that seems to have been created I can’t really cook food with laser beams from my eyes.
@jonohutchison I’m off to Hong Kong tonight! Attention burglars: I’m not off to Hong Kong tonight
@WendyWings Paper beats rock? Let’s test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?
@AnnaGConnell Driving down Ponsonby Rd in my pjs blasting Sweet Child of Mine. Living my life like it’s golden
@JeremyReesnz @nzherald farewells two great characters and stalwarts. Wonderful celebration of journalism in the newsroom for Jim Eagles and Wayne Harman.
@patrickgowernz Wayne Harman has retired from Herald after 50 years in journalism. A legend. Wayne gave me my first job. And even a couple of pay rises!
@guywilliamsguy I won the Billy TK award! Thanks to everyone who helped. Finally, I’m still getting the recognition that I’ve always gotten!

Entertainment on a Budget
@kaupapa Spammers in bikinis standing out like dog’s bollocks #nzbudget
@williamleith Fran O’Sullivan’s top strobing on TV3.
@googleismygf Oh dear… I was about to write “Trevor Mallard” under “Lecturer Name” on my assignment. Too much politics today
@stevendpaul Result is neutral, forecasting surplus results in the near to medium future. Which rings true? #AllWhites or #nzbudget2012
@Shellface When Bill English says “our policy is…” he sounds exactly like the Pak’n’Save ad stick man.

Clean and Jerk
@allstarangel Clean the carpets? His pants are gonna need waterblasting
@VinLew Clean a stain, make a stain, clean a stain, make a stain
@_victoriajayne_ Is he watching videos of girls staining carpets?
@yvettevy When are we going to find out what score this guy gets out of 10??
@AaronM_NZ They didn’t even rate his carpet cleaning ability! Target blows loads.
@jzindel #target can I get #fapfapfap dudes number? Three times AND he cleaned the carpet? More stamina than most guys I know!
@hello_im_megan After all is said and done, I was impressed by a man multi-tasking

Choosing a winner is always a difficult exercise, so this month’s winner has been been determined by an advanced selection process which began and ended with me shutting my eyes and poking at all the names with my index finger. When my eyes opened, the digit was settled on @shellface! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out with your liquid reward.

Here are the best Kiwi Tweets for April!

Twitter was made for tweets like these

1. @AliIkram Elmo talks about himself in the 3rd person a fair bit- may be an arsehole
2. @WriteOnNZ Courier just dropped off a package from Vanuatu complete with Vanuatian pubic hair protruding out from under the label. My life is complete
3. @AdrienneRewi Out walking. New catchphrase on Christchurch real estate signs. ‘Solid & Tidy.’
4. @AceMcWicked Orgy doesn’t, in itself, mean sex. If someone invites you to an orgy, make sure they mean ‘sex orgy’ and not, say, ‘orgy of accounting’
5. @bobsyauncle “Have you seen comic sans on a medicines label?” Finally, the serious issues in pharmacy are being investigated
6. @NZGeekGirl Watching Ryan Reynolds in the Green Lantern, just quietly, I think my ovaries exploded.
7. @graememoo2 Lost my glasses at the beach yesterday. Hoping the wash up on an island so a castaway can make fire.
8. @Tweet_Ti Scammer called at 6am to offer a discounted tickets to Orlando. I went to ‘find my credit card’ leaving ph off hook while I had a shower.
9. @TimWilsonBarrio Dreamd I found a fresh full tube of… toothpaste. Come on, subconscious, is that all you got? Really?
10. @josiecampbell Funny. Kimbra is somebody that I used to know.
11. @Kiwi_Chatter That awkward moment when you go up to take a photo of an abandoned house and it’s not actually abandoned.

Technology Tweets

12. @jonohutchison Can’t believe Zuckerberg bought Instagram for $1 billion. Pretty sure I got that app for free
13. @Monty64 The awkward moment when you accidentally click connect with someone you’ve never heard of on linkedin. D’oh.
14. @Vegrandis Pinterest is like looking at a 35 year old’s single white middle class desperately lonely female’s scrapbook.
15. @splatdevil Home phone just rang. Silence. Then computer voice saying ‘goodbye’. Is it judgement day? Has skynet finally taken control?

Bus Tweets of the month

16. @TroyRF 3 reasons this bus driver never made it into Snow White’s 7 dwarfs: 1. Too tall. 2. No beard. 3. Homicidey wouldn’t gel with the others.
17. @EllaJoanneM I’m both offended and relieved when a stranger doesn’t pick to sit next to me on the bus.
18. @Andrew_Scott The South Africans on the bus behind us were kissing, feeling each other up and saying how they are the best ever COUSINS. EWWW

HERP DERP!

19. @RachelRayner Eye cream and industrial adhesive should come packaged in distinctly different tubes
20. @Matt_Gibb Drove to work yesterday. Wish I’d remembered that when I caught the bus home after work. Just realized
21. @TophHooperton Accidentally splashed water on my crutch just before leaving the house then immediately ran into someone I know. Didn’t piss myself. DIDN’T.
22. @_AnnyMa And that, people, is why you must know the difference between ‘colon’ and ‘cologne’.
23. @not_friends Talking about boyfriend in code so I don’t ruin his game with Twitter babes either makes me the best girlfriend ever or touched in the head.

Stay classy, New Zealand

24. @Nightwyrm It’s okay that I’m not wearing pants while repeatedly watching the new Dark Knight Rise trailer, right? No-one on this train seems to mind.
25. @chandalier Trying on shoes in a shoe shop and random old guy about 80 not out says “give me some wine and I’ll drink it from your shoe”. WTF
26. @lmfbs I thought my nipple was moldy, but it turned out it was just towel fluff. It was a stressful few minutes.
26. @JessEtheridge You could feed a small village with the amount of food my bra catches.
27. @Brian_NZ I just ordered a long black, and was asked what size I wanted. That’ll teach me for ordering coffee in a mall.
28. @pinkdeedle My friend clare is telling me all about her dying uncle and i really need to wee but cant
29. @kirsty_johnston concerned that the sanitary disposal units at work are actually robots. our one looks like R2D2, continually pops up unprompted. frightening
30. @DanielRutledge There’s a bunch of dudes on queen street in orange vests asking for donations but not saying what for. One has ‘West Side’ drawn on his top.
31. @AnnaGConnell Just yelled ‘Clevedon rocks’ out the window. In Clevedon.
32. @JonathanJCarson Is 11:30pm an unreasonable time to bust out the guitar and have a sing-song? My neighbour doesn’t seem to think so.
33. @Pete_Robson Pak’n’Sav moment… Kids eating chocs straight from bulk bins. Parent sees. Tells them off. Takes Lollies from kid and eats themselves

Because looking good matters

34. @wenuwish Went to change into my PJs and then realized that I never got out of them this morning.
35. @_AnnyMa I’ve got my trackpants tucked into my bed socks, my fluffy hoodie on, and my hair in a bun. I call this the “paknsave look”

Kids.

36. @rosiecd Mr 6: “ew boys don’t wear pink jackets! Although, if I was a good puncher I would wear one”
37. @mariamajsa Can’t help feeling Rhys Darby missed a perfectly good opportunity to call one of his sons Abu and the other one Roller.
38. @Becs Were you at the Wynyard Quarter today? A nude child, a unicycling girl & a pirate on a clown’s bike. Yes, they were my children.
39. @KATEHAWKESBY Words you never want to hear when a child wakes you at 2.30am: “I’ve vomited. It’s everywhere.”
40. @AliCopeman MissG(8) just asked me “is that exactly what Tom said or are you paraphrasing?” When I retold a story… WT…

Politics

41. @MrReasonable Hey @Kim_Dot_Com seriously. If ever there was a use for a panic room, it’d be John Banks coming round.
42. @mikokiko Thank you to whoever chalked “Tony 2012 – he must be stopped” in giant letters on the waterfront. Early morning Lols Ftw.
43. @BoganetteNZ I bet when John Key has sex he looks in the mirror and waves. Like Patrick Bateman but way less hot, and way more dangerous.

Congrats to Boganette for collecting the most votes and Floppie for winning the random draw, and thanks to Old Mout Cider for the lovely prizes!

March was the month of the Marmite crisis, some road rules changed, and a Kiwi in London almost got arrested for being in love with his own biceps. Confused? Don’t be: Here are March’s best tweets!

Truth

@SpeelyFreaking ‘Lefty loosey, righty tighty’ also works for political leanings.
@xx_MCP Always take a fifty to the movies! Just in case you feel like snacks as well
@AdageBusiness you know you’re getting older when you attend more funerals in a year than birthdays

Traffic rule change

@robtreacher Starting Sunday, Kiwi motorists will be giving the finger to other turning traffic with the left hand and not the right.
@not_friends General rule: just think less than you currently do at intersections, and you’ll get it right.

Passive-aggressive texts

@_sarahdee Txt from temp flatty 2 other flatmate last night “don’t worry about the noise you are making, I’m going to take sleeping pill”.

Stay classy, New Zealand.

@aivanson Just seen the weirdest thing … Woman driving with beehive in back of SUV. Bees everywhere….
@AaronM_NZ Guy at fish and chip shop just asked for one potato fritter. “Oh and can I get $4 cash out?” Go west Auckland!
@BexieLady #pregnantoversharer told her mother which night she will be babysitting her yet to be born son so she can do an ‘all nighter’ & get wasted.
@Kiwi_Chatter They say “Marijuana and three prescription drugs in her system” like it’s a bad thing.
@jessepeach Taught my parents to use Skype tonight. Then my dad tried to squeeze a pimple on my mother’s face. I really don’t think they get it.
@pikelet Watching my flat mate use a pot as an iron. We’re trag.
@Covlin Awkward that I’ve just had to explain to a guy in his 70s how to access internet porn.
@callumprobable That awkward moment when you see a former work colleague ‘chatting up’ a hooker
@sithompson Overheard from teen girl at cafe in Takapuna: “No, I don’t feel anything for him anymore, but I am crushing on my OTHER cousin hard out.”

Twitter-based badasses

@Tarquin_Death Taking Codral “Day & Night” Night tablets… IN THE MORNING. Living on the edge today, people
@NinjaLikesCheez Just shouted ‘look at these guns!’ (meaning my massive biceps) forgetting in on a bus… In London…
@kebabette What’s the medical term for carpet burns on your cheeks?
@egesther Eating outta the pot. One of those nights.
@UseablePizza What happens if you put a stick in a non-stick pan?
@liltoastfairy yes I am tweeting from the shower

The next generation of Kiwis

@melhomer Just walked in on my 5 yr old wrapping his willy in cellotape. Now that’s going to end badly….
@manikpixi 12YO Son: I can’t go to school today. Me: Why not? 12YO: I’ve got Disco Fever. *dances* Me: Fair enough.
@Harfish Can’t find wooden H to complete baby’s name. May have to rename him Oxcixufum

Just encouraging the nation

@itcomeswithatoy Giving everyone on Trade Me ‘You is smart, you is kind, you is important’ reviews.
@_AnnyMa Ahahahahahaha International Women’s Day and Supre are both trending in NZ. Ahahahahahahahaha

Marmite-themed tweets

@evilkud As long as Hamilton exists their will never really be a lack of yeasty spreads in NZ
@DrBrash In 55 minutes I will be in Aotea Square, naked, covered in Marmite, Come rub your toast on me.

The exes

@pinkdeedle My ex just came over to get his clothes & I said THEY’RE IN RHE BLACK BAG & he’s gone home & I’ve realized he’s taken the rubbish bag.
@amiewee Ex wife asked me to change the background of her passport photo. So I did. Along with the shape of her eyes, chin and nose. Muwahaha.

I did a random draw this month, and @not_friends got pulled out of the hat* and is our Tweeter of the Month! Congrats, and make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case of deliciousness 🙂

*may not have been an actual hat

February. The month that had an extra day, there was Valentines, and my friend had a baby. Cats are awsome and so are owls. Here are your Kiwi Tweets of the Month…

Twitter people be herp derp
@guywilliamsguy I can’t believe borders went bust! I used to spend ages there reading magazines and never buying anything.
@DanielRutledge While taking a break from writing up my Mass Effect 3 interview I won a sweet pot in online poker just as a sweet new trance track climaxed.
@NZGeekGirl Hope the husband doesn’t look too close at the TM account, otherwise I’ll have to explain about the trilby, fish tank and rabbit.
@amiewee I photographed a lot of genitals this weekend
@BexieLady House smells like chocolate and mint butter cookies. Lessens the rage.
@pinkdeedle May or may not have used a Libra Maxi Pad with wings to stop headboard wrecking wallpaper last night.
@kittenypentland Just received notification of a conference on philosophy of self deception. Thought I might like to go but then realized, who am I kidding?
@joegeeknz My fly has broken and now the front of my pants look like a very large vagina.
@Steff_NZ Swollen knee for no apparent reason. Advice? Amputate?
@RyanSproull Anybody else look at old rack torture devices and sort of think about how good it would be for clicking your back?
@lmfbs Is a DIY brazilian a terrible idea, or simply a bad idea?
@thisfog So. Single again. Lock up your cats.
@CasualLex Chinese lantern festival? Meh. Give me a bottle of tequilla and I’ll light up big time. You won’t even need to fight the crowds.

Other people be herp derp
@ChrisKeall Overheard in the newsroom: “The reasons for the suppression are suppressed.”
@allstarangel Dad: what do you call those horses that race? Me: Racehorses? Dad: Yeah that’s it.
@evilkud My brother is telling me about how last night he ate a kilo of butter inbetween 2 slices of bread last night… Godddaaaammmm
@davidfarrier girls trampling each other over reece mastin: you do realise there are boys at your school who are hotter/kinder/better than him, right?
@thejuicery There’s white guilt, and then there’s just-read-Paul-Holmes’-Waitangi-Day-diatribe white guilt.
@TophHooperton Reason why my birthday card from mum didn’t arrive: she addressed it to ’26 Grey Lynn, New Zealand’. Was returned to sender.
@Naly_D My looking at shirtless Ryan Gosling photos was work-related. It wasn’t for the male colleague who stood behind me sucking on a nectartine
@AshleyCnz Zion Wildlife Park should be renamed WhenGoodFamiliesGoBadsville

People of the Internet
@juhasaarinen Some very strange people in my timeline.
@markleggett If you argue with someone on the internet long enough, they’ll eventually make a typo and you’ll win.
@unstatusfactory Please don’t stop tweeting just because you’re having sex.
@amandajaneNZ I love twitter because I can come on and read about the cricket then talk to a guy I like about it as if I had watched the whole thing.
@LachlanForsyth Web comment accusation of conservative bias. Email accusation of liberal bias on same story. This MSM conspiracy stuff is all so confusing.

We got upset about pants
@ryansallanThis lady needs to know, control tights are NOT pants. Bitch, I can see your vagina!
@WriteOnNZ Jeggings/up the duff combo. Noice.
@Robbo_Junior Just saw the most gorgeous, well presented woman walking past. I was jealous until I realised she had bird shit on her pants.

We got upset about politics
@geekboy73 Anyone know if Trevor Mallard has some Radiohead tickets for sale?
@Covlin One thing is for sure: Paula Bennett certainly doesn’t have any friends with benefits.
@jonocabron Does Gerry Brownlee realise you can’t eat roads?

Life hacks
@NanaJ9 I zoom in on photos of people wearing sunglasses. So that I might see something sinister in the reflection.
@bobsyauncle MrsBob: “What’s ‘motorboating’?”. Me: “Pause the video…”

Valentine’s Day
@ErinNoName I was just given a bottle of codeine and a box of tramadol. That’s a valentines day gift, right?
@AliIkram When I hear the Rihanna song “We found Love in a Hopeless Place” it reminds me of meeting my future wife at TVNZ.
@GondwanaHeels I like that my phone didn’t have the word Valentines in predictive so it tried to say happy palenstine day instead

Children are always a feature
@amandagTV3 Nephew has started school. 1st question to young pretty teacher “do you have a boyfriend” then “when is the lunch break”. priorities sorted.
@rosiecd Woken up by Mr 2 combing my hair and arranging Tampons on the nightstand

Things we Do Not Want
@Sidawg2 Imagine having to live with the Harvey Norman voiceover guy.
@TophHooperton Finally got on a bus after 4 went past full, but this driver seems intent on sending me sailing through the windscreen. Tell my fam-
@ChelleNZ Must be looking a bit butch today. Got called ‘young man’ just now at the supermarket. Now eating lamington fairy cakes, plural.
@stevebiddle Here I was thinking Godfrey’s weren’t having a sale this weekend. Then the guy screamed at me on the TV telling me they do have a sale on.
@honorarykiwi That awkward moment when you realise your baby brother is subscribed to (and comments on) a bunch of porn stars on Facebook.
@Stitchpunk “you’ve got a big grey streak in your hair!” *panic* “oh no wait, it’s just cat fur.”
@PaMelville Desperately need coffee. I got offered instant. I feel like a vampire caught in a shaft of sunlight.
@GeneralistAlan Work tomorrow, thinking about punching myself in the head in preparation
@Kiwi_Chatter There’s ‘my leg is cramping’ Brad, ‘I need some sugar’ Brad and ‘I’m getting up at 5am tomorrow’ Brad. Your cycling is hurting the family.

Because he was the only one to ask me where TOTM were (three days late!), and because he has nominated more tweets than anyone, ever, I’m going to declare @vinlew our Tweeter of the Month! But because he’s underage, he gets the bragging rights, and has nominated someone else for the cider.

Congrats @SarawrSmile! Make sure you’re following @oldmoutcider so they can DM you 🙂

It’s that time again – here’s January’s Best Kiwi Tweets!

I was made for such a life as this
pikelet I want to be the person who gently brushes minks and collects their hairs to make false eyelashes. I have finally found my career path.
DrJared I’m so radioactive I can’t be near small children or pregnant people for 36hrs. I have a half life of 110min.

Herp derp
TroyRF A WWF collector came to the door. It took me a few seconds to register that it wasn’t a fundraiser for the Ultimate Warrior’s lunch.
Rachel_Smalley So if @newtgingrich becomes US President, he’ll set up a Man Colony on the moon. Excellent. I could think of a few blokes I’d send… 😉
Beady_Eye_Anita I almost choked on a cherry tomato, after I was done choking, I sneezed out parts of the tomato through my nose. Lovely.

Does anyone know if there’s a sale this weekend?
stevebiddle A 30-60% off sale at Briscoes this weekend. Better get in quick, this deal won’t be repeated until next weekend.
SpeelyFreaking JUST STOP IMPORTING TOO MANY RUGS AND VACUUM CLEANERS!
brentrobinsonz Whoa!!! Godfreys has a sale on this weekend!!! :O
AaronM_NZ OMG Godfreys are having an Once Only This Week Annual Sale this weekend! #newbriscoes
TophHooperton What the Bigsave ads don’t show you: after she crashes into that pile of boxes and starts a fire, seven warehouse workers died in the blaze.
guymontgomerynz How trendy is the new Harvey Norman headphones ad when the hand comes in and scratches the vinyl? As a young person that really speaks to me

Kids, eh?
Becs The. Good Thing about being a mum is you can’t wallow too long in self-pity. 2yo woke to ask if I had a ‘gina. Yes I do. Lol.
alronberg That awkward parenting moment when you navigate the learning of the word “firetruck”
ReporterRachel My 3-year-old cousin is very upset with me – he waved at the TV when I was on last night and I didn’t wave back.
rosiecd Oh, forgot to tweet funny moment during dinner, mr 2 farted, & it was long enough to look down & meet each of our eyes with an evil grin.

Twitter, eh?
nzJayZee There have been so many good plans made on twitter today. from beard harvesting to recipes where the ingredient is just shitloads of cheeses
dpfdpf I have no idea who I am or why anyone follows me
_lisasaurus I like to make my tweets 140 characters long so people find it hard to retweet and comment at the same time. monkey banana poop i like pies.

Life, eh?
BitchAboutDevo Low point of this week: Finding a used condom wrapper on the floor in the “teen section” at work. #supre
not_friends I was getting annoyed at Federer and then I remembered that I actually like Nadal just as much and don’t care who wins. Then I found $10.
beekaynz Oh lordy. Drunk on whiskey and Daddy issues.
justjussi i need to lose weight, if human eating aliens invaded they would regard me as a “sometimes” food
BenTorkington Auckland hospital loses psych patient, inadvertently lets him design carpark.
AdageBusiness Not sure what to answer when I’m asked “when you giving up fags?”
BR3NDA Tranzmetro may need to admit they’re a bus company, and sometimes trains replace buses.

There’s no judgement here! Just kidding. There’s heaps of judgement.
monique_nz Am not judgmental or intolerant of such things, but the men wearing last season Karen Walker dresses and heels always make me look twice.
TroyRF The holiday home where we’ve stayed requires guests to leave it as they found it. I must be on “male body hair all over the bathtub” duty.
CyrisXD It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
thelittlepakeha LOL I just farted and Jasper stopped eating and looked up like “what was that?” Sorry, bunny.

Welcome to the last edition of Tweets of the Month for 2011. December was full of Christmas, so there’s a special section dedicated to the wonderment of the season. Also Albany Mall – what a magical place, filled with so much happiness.

Wisdom
robtreacher Smile and say hello to a stranger today. Chances are they’ll say hi back and not attack you.
al_nz GPS is smarter than I expected gave it credit for. It tried to get me me drive around Tokoroa. I stupidly ignored it
NanaJ9 0800 DOC HOT is not the phone number for sexy Doctors. It’s the animal rescue hotline for Department of Conservation. #rippedoff

Reporters gone wild
NZCharlieGates I just found a Roses chocolate on the floor of the office. Score.
JaneLuscombe Top story of the day goes to @ReporterRachel Won’t give too much away, two words: crocodile and lawnmower.

Stay classy, Twitter
pinkdeedle Thought I felt a baby kick in my tummy but it was just a fart. Which is good.
NZGeekGirl I think I just gave myself I hickey on the arm with the vaccum cleaner.
lmfbs Cleaned kitty litter, threw up in clean kitty litter tray. Thats the second time this week. Fuck.
SoniaLee Just looked in the mirror – I have a half melted Hershey kiss & a pea in my cleavage!
melhomer Ballet beautiful last nite,although unfortunate pouch incident made lead man look like he had a bulgy vagina. That was a little distracting.

Whanau, Interrupted
Nightwyrm Early episodes of Thomas The Tank Engine is teaching my kids that it’s okay to wall up someone naughty in a tunnel and leave them there.
hannahhannahhan “It’ll be a gang bang!” said Mum as she instructed all of us to pull our Christmas crackers at the same time.
samanthamcqueen Did my brother really just text me “are you home” from his room because he was too lazy to walk up the stairs? Answer: yes.
Vegrandis You know you really like a guy when you go pash your twin brother to make the guy jealous. That’s dedication and passion #StarWars
bex2010 Mum reckons shes gunna brush past benji marshall then let people lick her arm, for a fee. Something wrong with that woman.

Christmas-related emergencies
cescadotkay Every year I run out of sellotape. This year I thankfully had a supply of duct tape so we didn’t have to use bandaids like in 2006.
Tikorangi Was my first ever #SecretSanta experience. Clearly more blessed to give than receive.
richirvine If you have difficulty parking a motor vehicle properly, come to Countdown Mairangi Bay, all your relations are here
amiewee Probably going to spend Christmas drinking gin and spooning a blow up doll.
crumblecromwell Two questions Twitter. What time does KFC open? And what time does the liquor store open?

Albany Mall has it’s own section
rgoodchild I need a tshirt that reads “I survived albany mall”
TroyRF Albany Mall. Today. Bring shotgun? Y/N
becs355 Hell has some upsides. Albany Mall, not so much.
richirvine At Albany Mall. Wish I was drunk.

And Supre. Let’s not forget Supre.
BitchAboutDevo Fire Alarm went off at work & people were all “can I try this on/ buy this first?” IF THERE WERE A REAL FIRE YOU WOULD HAVE DIED. IN SUPRE.

Rick Rolled
brettroberts Rickrolling turns evil… I just clicked on a Reddit link titled “Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up” and was taken to a Nickleback video

Let’s end on a nice note
Countesscupcake I told a random lady last night she looked amazing, she looked like she was going to cry with happiness. People need to be nicer humans.

Because of her random act of kindness, I’m going to declare Countesscupcake our Tweeter of the Month! Congrats, and make sure you’re following @OldMoutCider so they can send you a case of deliciousness 🙂